Life with a toddler is a little bit of this and little bit of that.
There are good days and not-so-good ones.
Some days are dirty, with everything looking and feeling and seeming to be dirty.
Others, not so much.
Some days, little P is the cutest cuddle monster you can lay your hands on.
Others, he's just a little monster!
Life with a toddler teaches you lot of things, It gives you patience, it makes you the daddy, or rather mommy, of innovation.
You are constantly looking for ways to entertain him while you do the chores, or at least, pretend to do them, because you don't like doing them.
The easiest of tasks take forever, while the most difficult of them will suddenly be over in seconds!
I've only been a mom for a little over a year now, but I have seen so many changes in myself, I wonder what's gonna happen to me by the time he's 20 and ready to leave us in search of his own identity?!
So, I thought, let me see how some tasks now unfold after having had a baby.
These tips will definitely not help any mother out there, so, please refrain from looking for any help here, okay?!
Most days, I have no idea how I get from BEGIN TASK to END TASK! It just happens! As if I had a magic wand with me!
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR TODDLER'S CLOTHES/DIAPERS IN 30 MINUTES
You read it right. It is indeed 30 minutes, and not 3. No self-respecting toddler will allow you to change his diaper in such a short span of time.
Take out diaper from toddler's almirah, which is bursting at the seams with a million clothes and a zillion diapers. NOTE TO SELF: MUST CLEAN THIS TOMORROW. OR DAY AFTER. OKAY, SOME TIME THIS MONTH!
Get toddler to the bed, so you don't have to bend. Turn to pick up diaper, and TODDLER IS MISSING!
He was here a second ago! Do a quick recce of the house shouting his name, but zero results!
Come back to the room, only to find toddler hiding behind the almirah YOU PASSED on your way!
DUH!
Repeat step 2 twice, before you finally manage to get a grip on him.Open diaper. By now, toddler has decided this is a good time to PEE ON THE BED!
You quickly use your mommy x-ray scanning eyes to look for a cloth that can absorb the pee, so it doesn't hit the mattress!
BEEP! TOO LATE! You end up using your palms, cupped, so that you can catch the flying pee. Do a little whoop, because you saved the mattress!
Clean him, and pop the diaper on. FINALLY!
He's having none of this. He quickly kicks it away before you can strap it in place, to the left side of the bed. You follow him. Mind it, he's on the bed, and you aren't. So, you have to go around.
Okay, now you both are on the same side. You sit down in front of him. He runs to the right side! ^&@(@!($(@&
You do this 5 times, before realising you are an idiot and look like one. He's enjoying and you've just had your gym workout in less than 5 minutes.
He's challenging me, you think! How dare he?! I am the mommy!
Wait, where's the toothbrush I use to entice him to stay still for 5 seconds?!
Okay, put toothbrush in your mouth. Now, sing I am a little teapot, and this is the way we brush our teeth.
Toddler is enamored by your ability to look like a fool for 10 seconds!
JOB DONE! THE DIAPER IS ON.
IT ONLY TOOK 30 MINUTES AND YOUR SANITY!
Oh wait! It's backside-front! DAMMIT! REPEAT AGAIN!
HOW TO TAKE A SHOWER IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTES
First, pretend to play hide-and-seek, so you can skip away while he's hiding.
After 5 minutes, you realise this isn't working. He's figured you are up to something. The hot water will soon turn cold and you are stinking like a pig.
Fine, let me just go!
As soon as you shut the bathroom door, there are screams and shouts.
Open the door. Find your own mother standing outside, looking at you standing naked. FLASHBACK 20 YEARS AGO!
MOM,GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Oops, you realise she's trying to help you by distracting your toddler.
Okay, fine, you can stay here and watch me shower, SIGH!
By now, 30 seconds have passed, and the shouting is still on. You are soaked enough to quickly lather some soap.
The screams are getting louder! You grab your phone, kept right outside for emergencies like this, and with soapy hands, get to YouTube.
Dammit! the phone just slipped. More screams and shouts! From me and toddler!
The water is now cold.
Somehow manage to retrieve phone, but BUMP YOUR HEAD on the bathroom table top.
Oh c'mon, nursery rhyme, just start already!
Toddler decides he wants another one, and not this. Repeat previous step, without the phone slipping off and you bumping your head.
Before the song is over, quickly apply what's left of dried soap in your hands on yourself, and pour the entire bucket of cold water over you at one go.
CURSE EVERYONE AND THEIR RELATIVES.
You are done!
Realise that you forgot to carry your towel with you, so walk out gingerly, all naked and dripping with soapy water, only to BUMP INTO MOM! BAAH! She's already seen you like this today. AND YESTERDAY. THE DAY BEFORE, AND BEFORE THAT AS WELL.
HOW TO KEEP A CLEAN HOUSE
Wake up in the morning, or rather, are woken up by toddler, who climbs over you to get off the bed and ends up kicking and poking you in your womanly parts.
Good morning, my cupcake! Thanks!
Almost trip, as the pile of clean clothes you dumped on the floor last night to fold and keep away TODAY, has magically changed its position from where you dumped it last night.
Glare at toddler, who has no idea why mommy is so happy early in the morning.
PROMISE TO SELF: I WILL CLEAN THIS AS SOON AS I AM DONE WITH BREAKFAST
Breakfast comes and goes. So does lunch.
Evening is here and the weather is so pretty. How on earth can anyone fold clothes when the sky is so blue?!
Enter night time. The pile has grown, because you washed clothes again today, and they are all dry and smell great.
Then you recall, oh wait, these are clothes from Monday! Today is Thursday!
Dammit!
It's time to sleep now, you say. I am so not doing this right away. Too sleepy!
PICK UP CLEAN CLOTHES AND DUMP ON FLOOR.
Tomorrow morning, as soon as I wake up, I am hitting this pile of clothes with a revenge!
Or maybe, I can just take a REALLY BIG BED SHEET, and hide all these clothes under that! If I can't see it, nobody else can, right?!
And, just like that, TADAAA! THE HOUSE HAS BEEN CLEANED IN LESS THAN 10 SECONDS!
C'mon now, Be nice. Go ahead and thank me.
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