Letter from a mommy to her little boy, regarding PEE PEE

Dear Little P

This is in regard to the below-mentioned task that you performed today with utmost sincerity and patience. The task that lasted a very long while, or at least, that's what it felt like.

I understand, that as a little boy, in fact, simply as a boy, it is under the purview of your job profile of being a boy to touch yourself constantly.

But, as a member of the opposite gender, and more importantly, as a concerned mother, please allow me to write this letter to you to "talk about things".

I also understand that after a few years, this letter might somehow fall into your possession, so I will try to keep it simple and clean, for fear of embarrassing you later.

First and foremost, there is no need to touch yourself constantly. Rest be assured, that IT will always be there. Unless, God forbid, some calamity strikes, or I don't know, you make some other decisions, IT will be there.

So, therefore, I beg you, try and refrain from feeling it every few minutes, hours.

There's a reason why I don't allow you naked bum time anymore. and, you guessed it, IT is the reason.

I find it a bit alarming that your face and your grin take on evil connotations as soon as you realise that your knickers are off, and you get busy. Please, get that grin off of your face, and take a look at the mess you've made.

You know how YOU touch yourself and then go and touch your granny. It's not cool! NOPE.

Also, not at all cool to touch yourself and touch the food that you were eating. 

Let me also tell you, that IT IS NOT OKAY to feed IT, OKAY?!

IT doesn't require mangoes, sapodilla and water melon to be fed. IT has its own way of finding nutrition, therefore, you don't have to be the caregiver.

This is especially true if you intend on sharing food with IT. I am sure IT will manage on its own, without taking a bite off that bread from your plate.

Kindly also do not think of touching me after you've done you know what. I am your mommy, yes, I gave birth to you, yes. You were in my womb for 9 months, yes. But, NO TO THE THING I MENTIONED, OKAY?! JUST PLAIN NO.

Also, if food does happen to fall on IT, in the event that you are eating with your knickers off, as tempting as it may be, please don't pick food off IT and put it back in your mouth.

You also don't have to call our attention towards you when you are busy with IT. We KNOW what you are up to, and we are trying our best to avoid looking at you. So, let's try and keep it at its ignorant best, yeah? When you grow up and hear 'ignorance is bliss', you will know why.

I should also tell you that our help is equally not interested in what you are up to. So, there's no need to call her attention as well. I am happy with the way things are going on the domestic front, so please don't do something that will lead to a sexual harassment case.

You know how it's normal for you to tug at IT for hours on end just to see how far IT will go? It physically pains me to look at you doing that to yourself, so, please, STOP PULLING IT.

I sincerely worry that the strength with which you pull IT, IT WILL COME OFF ONE DAY. I do worry about this.

I am pretty sure that all this is normal, and as I said, under the purview of your life as a boy. I also know that your daddy will think I am an idiot for thinking that you won't be doing this, just because I pretend to be a prude when it comes to IT.

But, that's okay with me. I just want you to know that you don't have to take this job so seriously, and it's okay to let go at times, pun intended.

A concerned Fatmommy