Confessions of a selfish mommy

I am a selfish person. Period.

There's no nice way to put this. That's me, self-centered, Self-seeking and Self-serving.

Yep.

You know the girl in your school who would hide her exam paper with her hands, head and everything else so NO ONE could possibly cheat from her. Yep, me.

The one who challenges you to a game of "who'll finish his ice cream first?!", but does a double take and eats hers in slow motion, just so you finish yours first and drool while looking at hers. Uhuh. Me, again!

And, of course, you know that I HATE SHARING FOOD!

Maybe, just so you don't hate me, I should add, that I was a single child. Not that that's any kind of defence. But, this whole thing stems from there.

Come to think of it, I am little bit like Garfield the cat, with a baby! I'm fat, I am lazy, I hate sharing food!

BUT. 

This little P, I tell ya! He's changing me as a person, and I am not liking it! 

He's taught me how to share. Even though he's done so without speaking and without meaning to, he's done what nobody could do in three decades' time.

He's taught me what patience is. I do lose it at times. I end up screaming. Crying, Cursing to my self. But, this is far far better than my pre-mommy avatar.

Yet, there are times, when I feel like a really selfish mom.

Like how, currently, I am in the process of what's called "spacing out feeds". In the world of no boobs and no breastfeeding, I am deliberately trying to decrease the number of times I feed little P during the day.

That's because, if I were to let him feed all day long, he would happily do so. Which would have been fine, if he were not biting me every time I feed him. And, that's sheer agony, setting yourself up for a bite and then screaming your lungs out because HE BIT ME, YET AGAIN. HE HATES ME!

So, yes, I am selfish for spacing out feeds, because it prevents me from being bitten all day long and keeps me sane and not shouting like a mad, rabid monkey.

I am also selfish because I don't let little P nap post 6 pm. He has a late-morning nap, and then bedtime at 10 pm. I do this because if he does nap post 6 pm, he is one hell of a cranky baby. He just cries and cries till its bedtime. That's 4 hours of crying.

He cries if I put him down. Or pick him up. Or delay in giving him water. Or leave him to go wash my hands after cleaning his poop.

So, just to keep me going and keep me from crying, I take him out every day, as soon as the clock hits 6. I know he's sleepy, he's tired. But, he's happy to play or go for walk or go for a swim. And, so I let him.

I'm selfish, because by doing this, I maintain my mental balance. Else, I get to a point of absolute mental agony. He's happy, I'm happy.

He's made a new friend in the neighborhood. A smart little dude a few months older than him, I take him on a play date to the latter's place 2-3 times a week, because it allows me to have a sane conversation with a fellow mommy, who knows what it's like to be me. Who doesn't cringe when I discuss baby poop. Who laughs when I mention baby farts.

I feel selfish because of the amazing hospitality we get from them. I feel like I am taking advantage, even though I am not. We are both in the same boat. But, I feel selfish for trying to befriend a fellow mommy.

Selfish, again.

I am also selfish, because I pat little P back to sleep if he wakes up before 3 am or so. I don't feed him. Unless he's sick, or starts getting worked up, then I do. Otherwise, no. I have only been doing this for a few days now. That's only because I am now running on "empty", and could stop going any further, because I am quite sleep deprived. 

Which is okay, because it's a major bullet point in the job description of being a mommy. 

Selfish, yet again.

Speaking of job... For selfish reasons, I want to get back to a job. I worry that it will be too late, and I will never be able to get back. Or, if I do get back, it won't ever be the same again. Which, in all probability, it won't be. Things will never be the same again. And, that's fine, because little P will always be a priority. Jobs will come and jobs will go.

I just worry that my creative conscience isn't getting what it needs to run properly, and that one day, I will cease to be a creative person, and that will probably kill me on the inside. Purely for that very reason, I want to get back.

Maybe, this blog is also an attempt at being selfish, because, you know, when I don't write, I wake up with sentences floating in my head and I need to get those out. I feel like Russell Crowe in The Beautiful Mind.

Errr, okay. I can't believe I just said that. But, it's true. This is catharsis for me.

I told ya, didn't I? I am a selfish person. Sigh.