As a new mom, I am constantly questioning myself. Even now, at almost-16 months, there are times when I feel like I am walking around with a big question mark on my forehead.
When little P has been crying for a long time, I fail to zero down on why he's crying. I try every trick in the trade to calm him, cajole him, talk to him, hell, even distract him. But, nothing works, and I am back to thinking, "I am a useless mom for not being able to get my child to stop crying!"
There are many a times I feel like I have been cheated upon, short changed, even. I feel like I wish I was told a lot of things about pregnancy and parenting. The real deal, you know? Not the stuff about sleepless nights and constant pee and poo.
Those things, everyone knows. But how many actually know what it's like to be a parent. Of all the advice that you get, how much is actually useful and makes sense?
1) I wish I was told that it's OKAY to have an abnormal pregnancy. I felt so judged when I was pregnant and having a tough time with the constant complications that arose. Everybody thought I was having a gala time staying at home and laid up in bed all day. Some even went to the extent of saying I was getting really fat because I was laid up all day and that I would have a really fat baby. Really?! Is that what you would say to someone who was sick and bed ridden? Then why differentiate just because I am pregnant?
2) It's okay to have a caeserean. What is it with women who gave birth the way nature intended us to? Why do they feel they have the right to judge those who delivered via "assisted childbirth"? I went through the whole shebang of labour and the pushing stage. But nothing came out. I felt cheated at that point. But, the intention was to have a safe delivery, my ego be damned.
How would you feel, if you sat on the pot for 5 hours and pushed that whole time, knowing that there was something inside that was dying to come out, yet it never did? Now, multiply that pain a million, heck, even a trillion times, and imagine that you are pooping a football from your frontal "stuff", and not the posterior!
Painful, much?!
3) It's also okay to be in pain for a while. Or, in my case, a really long time. I took 6 whole months to recover completely. I only started walking at normal pace at around 4 months, I was in so much pain. I got myself checked, but there was nothing wrong. Yet, I was in pain.
And, so, I had to delay a lot of things that I could have started doing earlier. Like exercise. Or household chores.
But, all I got was judgmental responses. " Oh, c'mon! Nobody ever has so much pain!" You are making it up, it's not possible!"
Fine, I made it up, okay? Because I wanted to delay the process of losing weight. Right?! What a dumbass! Who in their right mind would make up such stuff?!
Which leads me to:
4) It's okay to be fat for a while. It really is. Good on you for having lost all your pregnancy weight as soon as your baby popped out! And look at those washboard abs of yours! I wish I could punch you, cuz it surely wouldn't hurt, right?! Steel abs, eh?!
What is it with fat women who think they can call others fat? Kettle calling griddle black?! Hypocritical much?!
I had this sooper fat woman tell me "IF YOU DON'T LOSE WEIGHT RIGHT AWAY, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOSE IT!"
YES, JUST LIKE YOU, you pretentious judgemental cow!
5) I really really wish someone had told me that breastfeeding is bloody hard work. Just to make it work is so difficult. It is such an emotional roller coaster!
Nobody ever tells you how tough it is. or how painful! Those who breastfed say some stupid condescending stuff, and those who didn't, they think formula is the answer to everything and whatever you are doing is absolutely wrong and breastfed babies are forever hungry.
These formula champions could even feed you a bottle, they are so stubborn!
6) I also wish that someone had told me that it's okay if you have to give formula. It's not the end of the world. A baby needs its nourishment, and if formula is providing it for whatever reason, so be it!
Would I judge you if you always ate rice thrice a day, and I didn't?!
7) It's equally okay if someone doesn't want to breastfeed. For whatever reason. It's her choice. Let's not get on our high horses and judge her. If her child wants to come back 18 years later and sue her, that's her problem. Life doesn't end just because somebody you know isn't breastfeeding her baby.
8) The most I wish for is that if somebody had told me how emotional the early days are. In hindsight, I think I cried more than little P! The hormones, the lack of sleep, the pain of the operation, the inability to lay down and get back up without any help, all those debilitating things can really pull you down. You wish someone had told you that it's okay to let the emotions take over.
9) And when the baby gets his own personality, it's also okay to lose the plot at times. I always keep thinking I am becoming a certified nut case. There are days, when I am really really close to tears. And, then, there are some, when I've actually shed them. I wish someone had told me that it's okay to feel this way at times. It doesn't mean you are a bad mom. It just means you are human and have feelings and that it's healthy to express them and not bottle them up.
10) It's equally okay to sometimes let housekeeping on the back burner. In my case, it's ALWAYS ON THE BACK BURNER. Maybe because I am lazy, or had a ceaserean, or because I feel mental most days! Who cares?! I am certain my priorities are bang on, and I won't let anyone question that.
11) The baby - it's okay if your baby ISN'T LIKE HERS. OR HER SISTER'S. Or the other kids in the family. Be proud that your baby is different! Who wants a baby that came out of a mold meant for cupcakes?!
Again, I will admit that I have received a lot of judgy-pant comments about little P and his ways. A number of people I know too well have made random comments about his sleep. IT'S ALL MY FAULT, according to them.
An experienced aunty told me that all the babies in her family would sleep for 7 hours straight in the day?! HUH? DID YOU JUST MAKE THAT STUFF UP?!
What?! He eats adult food! tsk tsk! What?! He's never had food out of a mixer/grinder?! tsk tsk
Err, do you notice that he chews and doesn't gag even though yours still gags at the age of 3?! tsk tsk
I AM GAGGING!
12) More than anything else, I really really wish that someone that told me that it's perfectly normal and natural to "listen" to your baby. Babies are intelligent peeps, I tell ya! We undermine them just because we have a college degree, and they don't.
I am so glad I always allowed myself to be driven and led by little P and not try and concoct my own logic about what I "thought" he wants.
I got told to let him go between feeds for FOUR HOURS! Which self respecting baby would go hungry for 4 hours?! Not even formula-fed babies go that long!
Another intelligent soul told me to feed him only once he'd really started crying! Hold on, I thought there's only crying! I had no idea there were levels of crying, like really started is level 3! CRAZY!
I would make it a point to talk to these people, but it's so difficult to maintain eye contact with them, because they refuse to get off their moral high horse.
In the meantime, I am going to pretend I like to exercise, and that my child sleeps like a dream and that we all have food out of a mixer. Does that make you happy now?
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