I've been thinking, what if everything that happens in and around pregnancy and parenting could be fit into the ABC. Just 26 characters and what each one stands for, during those 9 months and the rest of your life.
A - ADVICE
This one is number one, obviously because it's A. But, more than that, it's because the second you announce to the world that you are pregnant, the advice starts pouring in. You suddenly are trending on the advice graph, because everyone is talking TO YOU, ABOUT YOU.
Mind it, very rarely will you come across advice that will actually HELP YOU. Mostly, it will just be well-meaning strangers and relatives and friends giving you tid bits about them and their aunty's mumm'y neighbor's uncle's wife's pregnancy which WAS THE SAME, OH MY GOD!
Even the molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen in your glass of water will have advice for you, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT AND ARE LOOKING FOR ADVICE!
B - BUMP, BABY, BUM AND BREASTS
Bump - everyone will want to touch it. Ditto, the baby. The other two, not so much. Sorry, breasts, yes. Once you deliver, EVERYONE IN YOUR DELIVERY TEAM will touch them to feel for milk.
The bum? well, It gets REALLY BIG and that's why it gets honorary mention here. And, it takes forever to knock the fat off it. REFER TO U - UNDERWEAR
ALSO, BAMBOOZLED
That's because the A-ADVICE you get is so useless, you feel like you've been bamboozled! Nobody tells you the real thing. Everyone gives anecdotal evidence, but nobody offers any intelligent advice on how to tackle a problem.
Ohhhh! You are going to miss sleep!
Okay, if so, then why don't you tell me ways on how I can GET SOME SLEEP?!
C - CHILD BIRTH
The D-day you've been waiting for is here. And you are shitting bricks. And then you pop out a football from your "down there". Yes, okay, need I say more?
ALSO, CAESAREAN. Considered to be an "easy" option for child birth. Except that, it isn't. The pain lasts for months. And, there's always a weird-shaped lower tummy that hangs over.
D - DADDY
The love of your life now has a new love and you are okay about it. Mush! It's sheer bliss to see daddies holding their babies and smelling their hair and that lush baby smell.
E - EASY
Everyone tells you it's easy. It isn't, okay? It's somewhere in between. Just accept it and move on.
ALSO, ENERGY, OR THE LACK OF IT
Pregnancy can be hard on some women. There's no "glow". There's only a "blow", as in body blow, because everything aches!
F - FAT
This one is for me, not for the fellow mommies who've gone back to shape.
We gave birth. TO A PERSON. It's okay to be fat for a while, at least till you are feeding that person.
ALSO, THE F***, You will say this A LOT! In the initial days, when you are getting over the shock of everything that no one told you about (READ A - ADVICE).
Once your baby turns into a toddler, you will find yourself replacing the F*** with FLUSH, FISH, FREAK, FAN. Anything that starts with 'F', because it's only when the 'F' leaves your tongue, do you realise that you would rather not complete the sentence.
G - GOOF UPS
There will be many. Inside out pants. Backside-front diapers. Inside out Tee shirts, yours, not the baby's. Because the baby was crying and you didn't want to rush out naked to ask Daddy for help.
H - HIPPOPOTAMUS
This is also for me. I feel like one. I will eventually get over it, ONE DAY.
ALSO, HORROR MOVIE
Because, life suddenly feels like one. Parenting is hard work and you don't get any bonus or "good job" cards. You constantly feel lost and scared and are forever questioning yourself.
I - AS IN I, ME, MYSELF
You tend to forget yourself once the baby arrives. And, that's okay. You WILL HAVE TIME once he's 20 years old.
J - JUST LIKE THAT
And, just like that, he will start sleeping through, Or take to potty training. Or start walking/talking/crawling. Parenting is full of beautiful surprises.
K - KICKS
During pregnancy, from the inside. Once they are out, THEY CONTINUE TO KICK YOU! While changing diapers during their infancy stage, just because they life how their legs move when they kick!
And, as a toddler, they will kick just because they like the way you screamed like a wimp when you were kicked.
L - LOVE
The moment you lay your eyes on your baby, that's pure, eternal love. No amount of pee, poo and vomit will ever make you think, "let's go on a break". No. THIS IS IT. Time for the husband to take a back seat!
M - MILK
You will find yourself talking about this till your baby is 6 months old. It will feature in every random conversation you will have.
ALSO, MOM, MOTHER
Because, you will suddenly have so much respect for her. You will feel ashamed and embarrassed for things you may have said to her in your teenage years.
MOM, I AM SO SORRY AND SO THANKFUL. This will play in your head, over and over again.
N - NEVER SAY NEVER
To anything. Because, life comes full circle. You will find yourself sitting in the middle of the day with a pot as your hat, even though all this buffoonery was below your standard.
Kids make destiny bite you in the bum, okay? SO, SMILE AND PRETEND TO FEED THAT POWDER BOTTLE!
ALSO, NO
You will find yourself saying this TWENTY THOUSAND TIMES A DAY!
NOOOOO! DON'T LICK THE CARPET! NOOOOO! DON'T EAT THAT SHOE! NOOOOO! DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR OWN POOP!
O - OH MY GOD
REFER TO F***, as OMG will also be a sound replacement for WTF?!
You will OMG a lot! OMG, THERE'S VOMIT ON MY SHIRT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT ON EARTH STINKS SO MUCH!
P - PEE PEES
This one is for fellow mommies to little boys. They start touching theirs WAY TOO EARLY! I was hoping the touching wouldn't kick in till teenage years. Sigh. What was I thinking?!
Q - QUESTIONS
Talking toddlers have a way of asking the most inane questions. What do dogs eat? Why is aunty thin and you are fat? Where do babies come from?
'NUFF SAID!
R - REASONS
You will constantly find yourself defending your parenting choices. So, there will be reasons for everything that you do, that others may deem "wrong", because they "NEVER DID IT THIS WAY IN THEIR TIME".
S - SEX, OR THE LACK OF IT
I am NOT commenting on this any further!
T - TODDLER TANTRUMS
Aahh, I end up finding myself in the midst of one every five minutes! They sure are fun!
One of these days, I am definitely pulling my own hair!
U - UNDERWEAR
Big, ugly, scary ones. The ones your great great granny wore for her first night. Because, your B - BUM will achieve gargantuan proportions.
V - VALUE
Everything in life takes a new meaning. Having a baby teaches you so many things, the most of all being, value for yourself, your partner, your marriage, your parents. It makes you a better person.
W - WOW
REFER, OH MY GOD. You will say this a lot. Wow, he's used up all his pants today! Wow, he ate my lunch and threw his behind the sofa!
X - XYLOPHONE
Because NO OTHER WORD THAT MAKES SENSE STARTS WITH X!
You can replace this with X-ray, if you want!
Y - YES
REFER NEVER SAY NEVER. Pants that have projectile vomit on them? SURE, YES, I will clean them.
Try to put him to sleep for the FIFTH TIME in the last 2 hours?! yes, I will do it.
Z - ZOMBIE
NEED I SAY MORE?!?!
A - ADVICE
This one is number one, obviously because it's A. But, more than that, it's because the second you announce to the world that you are pregnant, the advice starts pouring in. You suddenly are trending on the advice graph, because everyone is talking TO YOU, ABOUT YOU.
Mind it, very rarely will you come across advice that will actually HELP YOU. Mostly, it will just be well-meaning strangers and relatives and friends giving you tid bits about them and their aunty's mumm'y neighbor's uncle's wife's pregnancy which WAS THE SAME, OH MY GOD!
Even the molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen in your glass of water will have advice for you, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT AND ARE LOOKING FOR ADVICE!
B - BUMP, BABY, BUM AND BREASTS
Bump - everyone will want to touch it. Ditto, the baby. The other two, not so much. Sorry, breasts, yes. Once you deliver, EVERYONE IN YOUR DELIVERY TEAM will touch them to feel for milk.
The bum? well, It gets REALLY BIG and that's why it gets honorary mention here. And, it takes forever to knock the fat off it. REFER TO U - UNDERWEAR
ALSO, BAMBOOZLED
That's because the A-ADVICE you get is so useless, you feel like you've been bamboozled! Nobody tells you the real thing. Everyone gives anecdotal evidence, but nobody offers any intelligent advice on how to tackle a problem.
Ohhhh! You are going to miss sleep!
Okay, if so, then why don't you tell me ways on how I can GET SOME SLEEP?!
C - CHILD BIRTH
The D-day you've been waiting for is here. And you are shitting bricks. And then you pop out a football from your "down there". Yes, okay, need I say more?
ALSO, CAESAREAN. Considered to be an "easy" option for child birth. Except that, it isn't. The pain lasts for months. And, there's always a weird-shaped lower tummy that hangs over.
D - DADDY
The love of your life now has a new love and you are okay about it. Mush! It's sheer bliss to see daddies holding their babies and smelling their hair and that lush baby smell.
E - EASY
Everyone tells you it's easy. It isn't, okay? It's somewhere in between. Just accept it and move on.
ALSO, ENERGY, OR THE LACK OF IT
Pregnancy can be hard on some women. There's no "glow". There's only a "blow", as in body blow, because everything aches!
F - FAT
This one is for me, not for the fellow mommies who've gone back to shape.
We gave birth. TO A PERSON. It's okay to be fat for a while, at least till you are feeding that person.
ALSO, THE F***, You will say this A LOT! In the initial days, when you are getting over the shock of everything that no one told you about (READ A - ADVICE).
Once your baby turns into a toddler, you will find yourself replacing the F*** with FLUSH, FISH, FREAK, FAN. Anything that starts with 'F', because it's only when the 'F' leaves your tongue, do you realise that you would rather not complete the sentence.
G - GOOF UPS
There will be many. Inside out pants. Backside-front diapers. Inside out Tee shirts, yours, not the baby's. Because the baby was crying and you didn't want to rush out naked to ask Daddy for help.
H - HIPPOPOTAMUS
This is also for me. I feel like one. I will eventually get over it, ONE DAY.
ALSO, HORROR MOVIE
Because, life suddenly feels like one. Parenting is hard work and you don't get any bonus or "good job" cards. You constantly feel lost and scared and are forever questioning yourself.
I - AS IN I, ME, MYSELF
You tend to forget yourself once the baby arrives. And, that's okay. You WILL HAVE TIME once he's 20 years old.
J - JUST LIKE THAT
And, just like that, he will start sleeping through, Or take to potty training. Or start walking/talking/crawling. Parenting is full of beautiful surprises.
K - KICKS
During pregnancy, from the inside. Once they are out, THEY CONTINUE TO KICK YOU! While changing diapers during their infancy stage, just because they life how their legs move when they kick!
And, as a toddler, they will kick just because they like the way you screamed like a wimp when you were kicked.
L - LOVE
The moment you lay your eyes on your baby, that's pure, eternal love. No amount of pee, poo and vomit will ever make you think, "let's go on a break". No. THIS IS IT. Time for the husband to take a back seat!
M - MILK
You will find yourself talking about this till your baby is 6 months old. It will feature in every random conversation you will have.
ALSO, MOM, MOTHER
Because, you will suddenly have so much respect for her. You will feel ashamed and embarrassed for things you may have said to her in your teenage years.
MOM, I AM SO SORRY AND SO THANKFUL. This will play in your head, over and over again.
N - NEVER SAY NEVER
To anything. Because, life comes full circle. You will find yourself sitting in the middle of the day with a pot as your hat, even though all this buffoonery was below your standard.
Kids make destiny bite you in the bum, okay? SO, SMILE AND PRETEND TO FEED THAT POWDER BOTTLE!
ALSO, NO
You will find yourself saying this TWENTY THOUSAND TIMES A DAY!
NOOOOO! DON'T LICK THE CARPET! NOOOOO! DON'T EAT THAT SHOE! NOOOOO! DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR OWN POOP!
O - OH MY GOD
REFER TO F***, as OMG will also be a sound replacement for WTF?!
You will OMG a lot! OMG, THERE'S VOMIT ON MY SHIRT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT ON EARTH STINKS SO MUCH!
P - PEE PEES
This one is for fellow mommies to little boys. They start touching theirs WAY TOO EARLY! I was hoping the touching wouldn't kick in till teenage years. Sigh. What was I thinking?!
Q - QUESTIONS
Talking toddlers have a way of asking the most inane questions. What do dogs eat? Why is aunty thin and you are fat? Where do babies come from?
'NUFF SAID!
R - REASONS
You will constantly find yourself defending your parenting choices. So, there will be reasons for everything that you do, that others may deem "wrong", because they "NEVER DID IT THIS WAY IN THEIR TIME".
S - SEX, OR THE LACK OF IT
I am NOT commenting on this any further!
T - TODDLER TANTRUMS
Aahh, I end up finding myself in the midst of one every five minutes! They sure are fun!
One of these days, I am definitely pulling my own hair!
U - UNDERWEAR
Big, ugly, scary ones. The ones your great great granny wore for her first night. Because, your B - BUM will achieve gargantuan proportions.
V - VALUE
Everything in life takes a new meaning. Having a baby teaches you so many things, the most of all being, value for yourself, your partner, your marriage, your parents. It makes you a better person.
W - WOW
REFER, OH MY GOD. You will say this a lot. Wow, he's used up all his pants today! Wow, he ate my lunch and threw his behind the sofa!
X - XYLOPHONE
Because NO OTHER WORD THAT MAKES SENSE STARTS WITH X!
You can replace this with X-ray, if you want!
Y - YES
REFER NEVER SAY NEVER. Pants that have projectile vomit on them? SURE, YES, I will clean them.
Try to put him to sleep for the FIFTH TIME in the last 2 hours?! yes, I will do it.
Z - ZOMBIE
NEED I SAY MORE?!?!
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