The ABC of W - Weight, during P - pregnancy and post partum

It goes without saying, that fat and weight are my number 1 enemies. I hate those bastards. But, like they say in good old Indian English style, what to do only, I am like this only.

I am glad to report that I have managed to knock off all of my pregnancy weight!  A LITTLE WHOOP WHOOP FOR ME, PLEASE!

Now, anything else that I manage to do, in terms of my weight, that is, and not my sanity (which, on a separate note, I should add, that I have already lost), will be a plus point. I've knocked off two whole dress sizes. But, I am still fat, if you go by my weight and my height combined together, that bitch of a lethal combination called BMI. ( In my dictionary, that stands for Bite My Innards).

Anyhoo, I've been thinking, my whole life has been about this fat and trying to get rid of it. Not once, can I recall that I've actually managed to sustain that weight loss. It's not because I stuff myself like a pig to bloat back again, but something happens that leads to the weight gain. Sigh... 

Sooooo, to put things down into perspective, here's the ABC of W - Weight, during P - pregnancy and post partum

A -ALMOST

You will manage to lose almost all of your pregnancy weight, one fine day. But that last sticky pound or two refuses to go, and it keeps getting you down. Bloody rascal, that last pound! Or, in my case, 10 kgs of non-pregnancy weight, because I was a fat person to begin with! Can't blame the baby for everything! sigh!

B - BOTHER

One fine day, you will also start to bother about the weight. If you are one of those, who started gymming in less than a month's time post partum, then, good on you! I would probably stay away from such folks, because they make me look lazy! 

C - CLEVER CUTS

They will become your best friends during your struggle with the weight loss, because nobody wants to dress in a tent when you yourself are a tent! Smart silhouettes, stuff that wraps around your jelly belly, those will be on your wishlist and shopping cart on all your shopping apps! TRUST ME! Nothing hides that wobbly fat better than a smartly cut shirt. And, boy, that tummy does wobble a lot in the early days! You will wonder why you still look 5 months pregnant, even though now that the baby is on the outside!

D - DREAMS

You will have two kinds of dreams. One, where you dream of becoming all slim and trim and sexy legs, strutting it like you know it.

Two, in case you have managed to become thin, you will dream of food. Because it takes a good goodbye to food that you gulped down during pregnancy, to knock that weight off!

In my case, please make that dreams of cheese!

ALSO, DIET

This gives me the jeepers creepers!

 

E - ELEPHANT or EXERCISE

Again, only two possibilities. If you knock the fat off, you are the latter. Else, join me in being an elephant, or at least, feeling like one. I don't mean to bruise your ego, but I had days where I really felt like one.

Otherwise, your life will be centered around exercising and maintaining that fabulous shape you've managed to get into! 

F - FAT, WHAT ELSE

Need I say more?

G - GREAT

Great! You've managed to knock off all your pregnancy weight. Now what? The tougher part is to maintain it. How long can we survive on tasteless food that has to be eaten before 7 pm?

Also, GUILT

Guilty about eating what you ain't supposed to. It will kill you!

H - ERMM, HELLO?!

Errm, okay, how did those 2 kgs suddenly show up again?! It's that cheese you ate, hoping that it wouldn't show up! Well, it did! bwhahahah! I hate cheese. I love cheese.

I - IF AT ALL...

...you do manage to stay in shape, firstly, pass me those tips. Secondly, your life will take on a new meaning, because nothing lifts your spirits like good old weight loss. The sun will shine brighter, the days will be more beautiful, you will generally be a happy person. Give yourself a hug! Now, go clean that poopy diaper from the poopy bum of your little miss sunshine!

J - JEALOUS

I am officially jealous of you. And all those fellow mommies who've got their figures back. I love my body and what a glorious thing it did by giving birth, but man, IT'S A SHIPWRECK!

K - KICK THAT WEIGHT

Honestly, it's all about how your mind takes to weight loss. No matter how hard we kick and squat in the gym, it's what on your plate that counts. It feels amazing when so many people ask me what I did, I feel so humbled. But, I do tell them I do have another 10 to knock off. More importantly, I have had to really train my mind about what to eat. And, that is one emotional journey, to say no to food that you could die for.

L - LOVE

Somewhere, during all this time, you will probably also manage to love the new you. You will happily embrace it, because you aren't so short sighted like I am. I have  my own issues to deal with, so I'll happily take that short sighted perspective and continue with my life. Good on you, though!

M - MANAGE

How do you manage to take out the time to exercise, that's the question. With the constant feeding, peeing, pooping, the sleepless nights and days. The last thing you want to do is take out your planner and figure out that at 18 hours you will go for a walk. The reality is, in all probability, your baby will wake up from his nap at 1759 and start howling just when you were about to tip toe out the door! Bye bye walk, have fun without me!

N - NONETHELESS...

...life will go on even though you are still fat. Your baby will grow up too quickly, you would have joined back office too quickly. Weight loss will come and go, but those precious moments with your little cherubs make it all worth the jelly belly and the big fat thighs!

O - OOPS!

You ate after 7pm yesterday. Or ate too much! Or, ate dessert yesterday. And the day before! You naughty momma!

P - PIZZA

Ahhh, the love of my life, my BFF! How do I say no to thee? How do I offend your love for me and send you packing out of my life? Does adding a lot of veggies on you justify the lust? Thin base is better? Whole wheat, then? sigh... no? 

 

Q - QUESTION 

Am I too fat? Am I fat? Am I fatter than her? What about her? Surely, I am not THAT FAT?! C'MON! BE HONEST! I won't say anything, I promise. Yes, we can have sex tonight. Now, be a buttercup, and tell me, how fat am I, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the fattest I cam be?

DID YOU JUST SAY 11? ELEVEN? E-L-E-V-E-N?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! *&^#(#$)($*@_$@&!!#

I AM GOING TO MY MOTHER'S AND I WILL SEE YOU ONLY WHEN I FEEL LIKE LOOKING AT YOUR FACE! 

Have fun tonight!

R - RESISTANCE POWER

The mind is a strange thing. I look at stuff I am not supposed to eat and I keep telling myself, NOOOO NOOOO NOOOO, OKAY? JUST PLAIN NO!

After a few seconds: What's one bite going to do? I will eat like those models, you know, just taste it and spit it right out!!!

A few more seconds, and post one bite: OH MY GOD! I COULD CRY! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING TO MYSELF, SAYING NO TO YUMMY FOOD?!

NONONO, I MUST NOT. NO

THEN: It's just another bite! Surely, 2 bites won't add to my ass!

BEFORE I KNOW IT: What did I just do?! I ate the whole damn thing! God will curse me, my trainer will curse me, my conscience will curse me! You are a horrible looking fat woman who should die! Sigh...

S - SEXY MOMMA!

That's right! We can be sexy even with the weight! Round is a shape and we are in shape. So what if that shape comes in XXL size and 40DD lingerie?!

T - TOO TIGHT

Your clothes, that is. Pre pregnancy won't fit. Maternity ones make you look like a tent. New ones are too expensive to buy! Plus, you will get back in shape pronto! So why waste money on new clothes?!

U - UNDERMINE

Don't undermine the power of exercise, the size of your dinner and the resistance power and metabolism of that fellow mommy next door!

She did it because she exercised, ate too little and before 7 pm, and knew when to say no to food and what kinds to say no to.

V - VOLUPTUOUS

Refer 'L' - The new you will be voluptuous, of course! Pregnancy does make one a little wobbly and it expands your body structure, those bones and those muscles. Think of it as a free renovation you underwent. Because it's free, you obviously don't like it!

W - WEIGHT, OF COURSE

'NUFF SAID!

X - X-RAY

Weird X-ray reports will spook you, like mine did. Mine showed deposits of fat on certain organs. Apparently, it's okay at a certain level, but to me, it spelt death. Like I said, SPOOOOOOKY!

Y - YES, YOU CAN!

It is possible. It certainly is. Some find it really easy, others like me, really struggle. But, it can be done. Maybe the last 2 kgs will never go, but you have a baby to show for it. It's not that bad!

Z - ZEAL

It takes zeal, I tell ya! To hit the gym/track/pool, whatever regime you've got yourself going there, everyday. It's tough. Some days, you are tired! Heck, most days, you will be tired! You have a baby to take care of. And those cuddle monsters aren't easy to handle. You will probably have a yoga session without even realising it!

You must be making 7 course meals everyday! - Things you should never say to a Stay At Home Mom

Life has its own way of getting back at you. It bites you in the bum when you least expect it. Things that you thought of, plans that you made,  all of those go out the window when you least expect them.

Motherhood wasn't how I imagined it to be. I KNEW that it's not exactly a smooth journey, I knew that no two days are alike, and I certainly knew that it takes a lot of patience to be a mom.

If things were to go according to my plan, I would have been a hot yummy mummy right from the start. But, the reason this blog exists because, I AIN'T ONE! At this point, I have managed to knock off all of my pregnancy weight, but I am hoping to make the best of this spree and lose some more.

In my world, I would also have been a working mommy. But, here I am, changing my status on Facebook and other social networking sites and telling the world that I am a stay at home mom. To make it appear cooler, let's call me a SAHM.

As a SAHM, there's whole lot of things I COULD DO. HELL, I WANT TO DO! But, the 'M' in the SAHM means that I have no time for myself, because all of my living energy is spent running behind and taking care of little P. Of course, this is true of all moms, whether they work, or stay at home. Call me lazy, but I do like to use this as an excuse for a lot of things!

But, what gets my goat is the fact that a lot of people tend to think that just because I am a SAHM, I have all the time in the world to potter around and generally do things that I would like to do.

I've come across so many random and unwanted comments about my SAHM status, I am thinking, "let me tell everybody I've got a job that pays me shit loads of money and that from now on, I am going to work everyday and little P can grow up with me on the weekends!"

I would like to see how these very comments take on all judgy pants proportions and these same people would then talk about how well dressed I am and how my little boy is so royally ignored just because I spend all my time playing dress up!

Lesson learnt: THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A SAHM

1) Oh wow! I am sure you get lots of time to make food from scratch, even 7-course meals everyday!

REALITY: I do have lots of time, although, I do wish I had some more. And then, some more. And more. 

REALITY: I do make food from scratch, where scratch means, 2 left over loaves of bread and leftover curry. 

REALITY: I could make 7-course meals, I probably even know how to. Except that it would take me SEVEN MONTHS to put that meal on the table for you to eat. Would you?

REALITY: The only meal(s) I do manage to make are the ones that little P eats, that too is possible with me trying to work with one free hand, the other trying to balance him on my hip, where he's glued all day everyday. Otherwise, I get him to sit on the kitchen floor and hand him an assortment of pots and pans, and then take 20 minutes to beg him to hand me something that I can use to cook.

2) Oh wow, you look fabulous! You are lucky you have so much time at home to look after yourself.

REALITY: Remember the hair?! It stays as a bun atop my head all day, in one place. It dare not budge, and I think that's because all the grease and the food that's thrown at me has decided to act as  glue for that bun of mine. Who wants hair mousse and hair spray?!

That wonderful smell I am giving out is also most probably stale food. Who needs YSL and Hugo Boss, eh?! There's little boss with his wiped off milk moustache on my tee to give off that nasal hair-burning stench.

3) At least you can sleep during the day...(while I work my butt off at work and get paid for it)

uhuh? Yathink?! So, here's what happened today: Managed to get little p to sleep at a time that I like, post lunch, you know, full tummy? Can't keep his eyes open anymore. I am actually smiling thinking of my award-winning achievement!

Anyhoo...

I had work to do, serious work, not the browsing kinds, on the phone, because I am too lazy to take out the laptop. zzzzz!

Before I realised, I had fallen asleep right next to him. 

Which is okay, but, the thing with breastfeeding babies/toddlers, is that they can smell you. Yup, which means, that when they wake up, for whatever reason, and if you are within breathing distance, they expect you to do your job of feeding them back to sleep, and not bother rocking them or singing a lullaby to get them back to sleep.

They are like, "Why are you even pretending that this is going to work and I will fall back asleep?! Just do your job, woman!"

Which is also fine, but, and here, breastfeeding mommies will agree, babies tend to wake up THE SECOND you fall asleep!

So, going back to your assumption, I would like to sleep during the day, and the night. But, I don't. Now, let's talk about how much money you make, poor you!

4) At least you don't have to buy expensive clothes!

Right. I do know lots of other people who would LOVE to be in PJs all day, and look like they haven't hit the shower in a million years. They are probably all me, in my gazillion avatars and are all called moms.

5) Your house must be so clean (I could see my face in those shiny floor tiles)

Yes, yes, yes. Everything shines at my place. The linen, the cutlery, the hardware, my face. Everything, okay? I am Cinderella and I have loads of time and inclination to go about scrubbing the floors and the china till you can see your face in it, all shiny, in your expensive clothes and lush perfume.

6) You should have gone back to your job when the time was right...

...because, now nobody will hire you.

Umm, because I would suck as a great employee?

Bye Bye peace and cleanliness, Hello rough play! - Things I've learnt as a mom to a boy

I've said this before, or rather, I've admitted this before: I WAS very apprehensive about being a mommy to a boy. I was scared because, well, I am a girl, and therefore, I have no clue what's it like being a boy!

I don't have siblings, so no knowledge bank there, as well. I have cousins, yes, but that doesn't count when it comes to intimately knowing what being a boy is like.

And, now that he, the little dude, the little P, the little monkey, is here, I am in love, pure and joyous love. I cannot imagine life without him. Heck, I can't imagine what it would be if I had a girl. I've become so used to being a mommy to a boy, that now, having a girl would probably give me goosebumps!

Having said that, I must state that raising a boy isn't exactly a cakewalk! It's got its own shares of funny learnings and shocking experiences. You have to admit, bringing up a girl is very different from raising a boy, and it's not just the clothes I am talking about!

Sure, I always wanted to have a little girl and dress her up like a little princess, all pretty colours, and what not. But, having a boy has changed my perception and expectation of being a mommy.

Here's what being a mommy to a little boy has taught me:

1) Boys toys are SO MUCH COOLER! 

As a girl/woman/lady/aunty, I have only ever been exposed to the world of dolls and doll houses and pretend kitchens and skipping ropes and all that jazz. I never knew what owning a toy tractor felt like, or what kind of sound does a toy bike make!

I am pretty sure the only time I saw a concrete mixer was when I went to school, and I am also pretty sure that I no idea what it was called, maybe because there was some funny name I had made up for it. Who knows?!

0k

But, being a mommy to a little boy has opened my eyes and ears to an exciting world of even more exciting vehicles. Who knew monster trucks and fire engines were so cool and made for such amazing pretend play?! All that vra vra vroom throughout the day! Woohoo! My ears certainly miss all that action when I am away from home! Uhuh! I can't wait to get back to the tens of cars and trucks and bikes and engines we have at home, and all that vra vra vroom we do through the day!

And the sheer bliss of waking up everyday to shrieks of "CAAAAARRRR!", is just that, sheer bliss!

Or the way little P says, 'TRAYYTORRR!", because he can't yet pronounce the C in tractor and it comes out all cute and cuddly without the C. Or the BBBB---BU--BBUSS! The BUS is also pronounced with a silent S, but man! That makes it sound so much cooler and more fun!

Who cares about pink ribbons and pony tails?! We want wheels, and lots of them!

2) QUIET TIME, WASSDAT, YOU SAY?!

Being a mommy to a little boy also means you get your ears up for the constant screams and shouts of excitement that follow with every little achievement that little P manages. Whether it's unlocking his beads or throwing the toy auto from the balcony, or even throwing the water bottle from atop the chair! We sure are always excited and we certainly like to show it with our lungs! 

Who wants quiet pretend play combing dolls' hairs and making tea with fake miniature cups?! We would rather be a teapot our self and dance and trot around with a naked bum as mommy sings I am a little teapot! Because, that's so much cooler and extremely self satisfying and not at all funny. Right?!

3) WHERE'S MY WILLY?!

Boys will be boys, they say. And, boy! Are they right?! What's with the constant touching?! I wish I could explain to him that his willy will be there all day and night. But, I don't think that even if he were to understand what I say, it would matter. Because, we have to touch it to believe it that it;s there and not suddenly decided to go on vacation and leave us, GOD FORBID, WILLY-LESS?! HORROR OF ALL HORRORS!!! WHERE'S MY WILLY?!

4) THE MESS. OH THE MESS

I have been told that little girls are way too clean from childhood and they have far too much self respect about letting themselves or their surroundings get dirty. I didn't think there was an iota of truth behind this. But now, I am convinced. 

The amount of dirt that comes falling off when I trim his nails, which is exactly every 6 days, because by day 7, they seem to take on shocking horror movie proportions and he can claw you to death with those sharp rascals!

And, don't even get me started about the lines and lines of dirt that accumulates under the neck, in the folds. OR THE ARMPITS?! Seriously, armpits are dirty, at 16 months! What's going to happen when he's a teenager?! Dear God, please give me the strength and some really strong body wash that can ably attack those germs without burning a hole in my pocket!

The house looks like it was wrecked by the fury of nature. It wasn't. We just had lunch. That's what happens when we eat, okay?! The food suddenly starts flying off the plates and the water is splashing on its own. I have no idea why mommy is always screaming that the house is a mess, and daddy is screaming that she isn't keeping it clean. Don't they know, this is just fine and this is how it will be till I move out their house? They should just grow up and accept things! Huh, silly adults!

5) WHO FARTED?! 

I am so glad that I am not a prude when it comes to toilet humour and all things fart and poop! Because, apparently, farts make little boys go giggle giggle and they literally go ROFL. Huh!

Who knew that I had this ability to make him go ROFL without trying, eh?! And, to think that he has it in HIS GENES! OH MY! I don't think I would have been happier if he had inherited some scholarly genes. Oh no! I am just happy that he thinks farting is normal and it's fine to LOL when it leaves your body, 'NUFF SAID!

Letter from a mommy to her little boy, regarding PEE PEE

Dear Little P

This is in regard to the below-mentioned task that you performed today with utmost sincerity and patience. The task that lasted a very long while, or at least, that's what it felt like.

I understand, that as a little boy, in fact, simply as a boy, it is under the purview of your job profile of being a boy to touch yourself constantly.

But, as a member of the opposite gender, and more importantly, as a concerned mother, please allow me to write this letter to you to "talk about things".

I also understand that after a few years, this letter might somehow fall into your possession, so I will try to keep it simple and clean, for fear of embarrassing you later.

First and foremost, there is no need to touch yourself constantly. Rest be assured, that IT will always be there. Unless, God forbid, some calamity strikes, or I don't know, you make some other decisions, IT will be there.

So, therefore, I beg you, try and refrain from feeling it every few minutes, hours.

There's a reason why I don't allow you naked bum time anymore. and, you guessed it, IT is the reason.

I find it a bit alarming that your face and your grin take on evil connotations as soon as you realise that your knickers are off, and you get busy. Please, get that grin off of your face, and take a look at the mess you've made.

You know how YOU touch yourself and then go and touch your granny. It's not cool! NOPE.

Also, not at all cool to touch yourself and touch the food that you were eating. 

Let me also tell you, that IT IS NOT OKAY to feed IT, OKAY?!

IT doesn't require mangoes, sapodilla and water melon to be fed. IT has its own way of finding nutrition, therefore, you don't have to be the caregiver.

This is especially true if you intend on sharing food with IT. I am sure IT will manage on its own, without taking a bite off that bread from your plate.

Kindly also do not think of touching me after you've done you know what. I am your mommy, yes, I gave birth to you, yes. You were in my womb for 9 months, yes. But, NO TO THE THING I MENTIONED, OKAY?! JUST PLAIN NO.

Also, if food does happen to fall on IT, in the event that you are eating with your knickers off, as tempting as it may be, please don't pick food off IT and put it back in your mouth.

You also don't have to call our attention towards you when you are busy with IT. We KNOW what you are up to, and we are trying our best to avoid looking at you. So, let's try and keep it at its ignorant best, yeah? When you grow up and hear 'ignorance is bliss', you will know why.

I should also tell you that our help is equally not interested in what you are up to. So, there's no need to call her attention as well. I am happy with the way things are going on the domestic front, so please don't do something that will lead to a sexual harassment case.

You know how it's normal for you to tug at IT for hours on end just to see how far IT will go? It physically pains me to look at you doing that to yourself, so, please, STOP PULLING IT.

I sincerely worry that the strength with which you pull IT, IT WILL COME OFF ONE DAY. I do worry about this.

I am pretty sure that all this is normal, and as I said, under the purview of your life as a boy. I also know that your daddy will think I am an idiot for thinking that you won't be doing this, just because I pretend to be a prude when it comes to IT.

But, that's okay with me. I just want you to know that you don't have to take this job so seriously, and it's okay to let go at times, pun intended.

A concerned Fatmommy

The beginner's guide to raise a toddler and be a homemaker

Life with a toddler is a little bit of this and little bit of that.

There are good days and not-so-good ones.

Some days are dirty, with everything looking and feeling and seeming to be dirty.

Others, not so much.

Some days, little P is the cutest cuddle monster you can lay your hands on.

Others, he's just a little monster!

Life with a toddler teaches you lot of things, It gives you patience, it makes you the daddy, or rather mommy, of innovation.

You are constantly looking for ways to entertain him while you do the chores, or at least, pretend to do them, because you don't like doing them.

The easiest of tasks take forever, while the most difficult of them will suddenly be over in seconds!

I've only been a mom for a little over a year now, but I have seen so many changes in myself, I wonder what's gonna happen to me by the time he's 20 and ready to leave us in search of his own identity?!

So, I thought, let me see how some tasks now unfold after having had a baby.

These tips will definitely not help any mother out there, so, please refrain from looking for any help here, okay?!

Most days, I have no idea how I get from BEGIN TASK to END TASK! It just happens! As if I had a magic wand with me!

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR TODDLER'S CLOTHES/DIAPERS IN 30 MINUTES

You read it right. It is indeed 30 minutes, and not 3. No self-respecting toddler will allow you to change his diaper in such a short span of time.

Take out diaper from toddler's almirah, which is bursting at the seams with a million clothes and a zillion diapers. NOTE TO SELF: MUST CLEAN THIS TOMORROW. OR DAY AFTER. OKAY, SOME TIME THIS MONTH!

Get toddler to the bed, so you don't have to bend. Turn to pick up diaper, and TODDLER IS MISSING!

He was here a second ago! Do a quick recce of the house shouting his name, but zero results! 

Come back to the room, only to find toddler hiding behind the almirah YOU PASSED on your way!

DUH!

Repeat step 2 twice, before you finally manage to get a grip on him.Open diaper. By now, toddler has decided this is a good time to PEE ON THE BED!

You quickly use your mommy x-ray scanning eyes to look for a cloth that can absorb the pee, so it doesn't hit the mattress!

BEEP! TOO LATE! You end up using your palms, cupped, so that you can catch the flying pee. Do a little whoop, because you saved the mattress!

Clean him, and pop the diaper on. FINALLY!

He's having none of this. He quickly kicks it away before you can strap it in place, to the left side of the bed. You follow him. Mind it, he's on the bed, and you aren't. So, you have to go around.

Okay, now you both are on the same side. You sit down in front of him. He runs to the right side! ^&@(@!($(@&

You do this 5 times, before realising you are an idiot and look like one. He's enjoying and you've just had your gym workout in less than 5 minutes.

He's challenging me, you think! How dare he?! I am the mommy!

Wait, where's the toothbrush I use to entice him to stay still for 5 seconds?!

Okay, put toothbrush in your mouth. Now, sing I am a little teapot, and this is the way we brush our teeth.

Toddler is enamored by your ability to look like a fool for 10 seconds! 

JOB DONE! THE DIAPER IS ON. 

IT ONLY TOOK 30 MINUTES AND YOUR SANITY!

Oh wait! It's backside-front! DAMMIT! REPEAT AGAIN!

HOW TO TAKE A SHOWER IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTES

First, pretend to play hide-and-seek, so you can skip away while he's hiding.

After 5 minutes, you realise this isn't working. He's figured you are up to something. The hot water will soon turn cold and you are stinking like a pig.

Fine, let me just go!

As soon as you shut the bathroom door, there are screams and shouts.

Open the door. Find your own mother standing outside, looking at you standing naked. FLASHBACK 20 YEARS AGO!

MOM,GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Oops, you realise she's trying to help you by distracting your toddler.

Okay, fine, you can stay here and watch me shower, SIGH!

By now, 30 seconds have passed, and the shouting is still on. You are soaked enough to quickly lather some soap.

The screams are getting louder! You grab your phone, kept right outside for emergencies like this, and with soapy hands, get to YouTube. 

Dammit! the phone just slipped. More screams and shouts! From me and toddler!

The water is now cold.

Somehow manage to retrieve phone, but BUMP YOUR HEAD on the bathroom table top.

Oh c'mon, nursery rhyme, just start already!

Toddler decides he wants another one, and not this. Repeat previous step, without the phone slipping off and you bumping your head.

Before the song is over, quickly apply what's left of dried soap in your hands on yourself, and pour the entire bucket of cold water over you at one go.

CURSE EVERYONE AND THEIR RELATIVES.

You are done!

Realise that you forgot to carry your towel with you, so walk out gingerly, all naked and dripping with soapy water, only to BUMP INTO MOM! BAAH! She's already seen you like this today. AND YESTERDAY. THE DAY BEFORE, AND BEFORE THAT AS WELL.

HOW TO KEEP A CLEAN HOUSE

Wake up in the morning, or rather, are woken up by toddler, who climbs over you to get off the bed and ends up kicking and poking you in your womanly parts.

Good morning, my cupcake! Thanks!

Almost trip, as the pile of clean clothes you dumped on the floor last night to fold and keep away TODAY, has magically changed its position from where you dumped it last night.

Glare at toddler, who has no idea why mommy is so happy early in the morning.

PROMISE TO SELF: I WILL CLEAN THIS AS SOON AS I AM DONE WITH BREAKFAST

Breakfast comes and goes. So does lunch.

Evening is here and the weather is so pretty. How on earth can anyone fold clothes when the sky is so blue?!

Enter night time. The pile has grown, because you washed clothes again today, and they are all dry and smell great. 

Then you recall, oh wait, these are clothes from Monday! Today is Thursday!

Dammit!

It's time to sleep now, you say. I am so not doing this right away. Too sleepy!

PICK UP CLEAN CLOTHES AND DUMP ON FLOOR.

Tomorrow morning, as soon as I wake up, I am hitting this pile of clothes with a revenge!

Or maybe, I can just take a REALLY BIG BED SHEET, and hide all these clothes under that! If I can't see it, nobody else can, right?!

And, just like that, TADAAA! THE HOUSE HAS BEEN CLEANED IN LESS THAN 10 SECONDS!

C'mon now, Be nice. Go ahead and thank me.

Confessions of a selfish mommy

I am a selfish person. Period.

There's no nice way to put this. That's me, self-centered, Self-seeking and Self-serving.

Yep.

You know the girl in your school who would hide her exam paper with her hands, head and everything else so NO ONE could possibly cheat from her. Yep, me.

The one who challenges you to a game of "who'll finish his ice cream first?!", but does a double take and eats hers in slow motion, just so you finish yours first and drool while looking at hers. Uhuh. Me, again!

And, of course, you know that I HATE SHARING FOOD!

Maybe, just so you don't hate me, I should add, that I was a single child. Not that that's any kind of defence. But, this whole thing stems from there.

Come to think of it, I am little bit like Garfield the cat, with a baby! I'm fat, I am lazy, I hate sharing food!

BUT. 

This little P, I tell ya! He's changing me as a person, and I am not liking it! 

He's taught me how to share. Even though he's done so without speaking and without meaning to, he's done what nobody could do in three decades' time.

He's taught me what patience is. I do lose it at times. I end up screaming. Crying, Cursing to my self. But, this is far far better than my pre-mommy avatar.

Yet, there are times, when I feel like a really selfish mom.

Like how, currently, I am in the process of what's called "spacing out feeds". In the world of no boobs and no breastfeeding, I am deliberately trying to decrease the number of times I feed little P during the day.

That's because, if I were to let him feed all day long, he would happily do so. Which would have been fine, if he were not biting me every time I feed him. And, that's sheer agony, setting yourself up for a bite and then screaming your lungs out because HE BIT ME, YET AGAIN. HE HATES ME!

So, yes, I am selfish for spacing out feeds, because it prevents me from being bitten all day long and keeps me sane and not shouting like a mad, rabid monkey.

I am also selfish because I don't let little P nap post 6 pm. He has a late-morning nap, and then bedtime at 10 pm. I do this because if he does nap post 6 pm, he is one hell of a cranky baby. He just cries and cries till its bedtime. That's 4 hours of crying.

He cries if I put him down. Or pick him up. Or delay in giving him water. Or leave him to go wash my hands after cleaning his poop.

So, just to keep me going and keep me from crying, I take him out every day, as soon as the clock hits 6. I know he's sleepy, he's tired. But, he's happy to play or go for walk or go for a swim. And, so I let him.

I'm selfish, because by doing this, I maintain my mental balance. Else, I get to a point of absolute mental agony. He's happy, I'm happy.

He's made a new friend in the neighborhood. A smart little dude a few months older than him, I take him on a play date to the latter's place 2-3 times a week, because it allows me to have a sane conversation with a fellow mommy, who knows what it's like to be me. Who doesn't cringe when I discuss baby poop. Who laughs when I mention baby farts.

I feel selfish because of the amazing hospitality we get from them. I feel like I am taking advantage, even though I am not. We are both in the same boat. But, I feel selfish for trying to befriend a fellow mommy.

Selfish, again.

I am also selfish, because I pat little P back to sleep if he wakes up before 3 am or so. I don't feed him. Unless he's sick, or starts getting worked up, then I do. Otherwise, no. I have only been doing this for a few days now. That's only because I am now running on "empty", and could stop going any further, because I am quite sleep deprived. 

Which is okay, because it's a major bullet point in the job description of being a mommy. 

Selfish, yet again.

Speaking of job... For selfish reasons, I want to get back to a job. I worry that it will be too late, and I will never be able to get back. Or, if I do get back, it won't ever be the same again. Which, in all probability, it won't be. Things will never be the same again. And, that's fine, because little P will always be a priority. Jobs will come and jobs will go.

I just worry that my creative conscience isn't getting what it needs to run properly, and that one day, I will cease to be a creative person, and that will probably kill me on the inside. Purely for that very reason, I want to get back.

Maybe, this blog is also an attempt at being selfish, because, you know, when I don't write, I wake up with sentences floating in my head and I need to get those out. I feel like Russell Crowe in The Beautiful Mind.

Errr, okay. I can't believe I just said that. But, it's true. This is catharsis for me.

I told ya, didn't I? I am a selfish person. Sigh.

Toddlers' rules versus babies' drool

I sometimes think I am going mental. Like absolute mental. I-wanna-pull-my-own-hair kinda mental.

Okay, MOST TIMES, I feel mental. I am having a time tough with my toddler.

I don't know what is it. Maybe it's teething, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a developmental phase. It's separation anxiety for all I know.

You know, the kinds when babies/toddlers realise that they are a different person than their mommies, and hence resort to sheer maddening tantrums to express their displeasure at the fact that mommy has "left them".

And, by "left them", I mean going to the loo to pee. Or poop. Or have water. Change clothes. Wash hands. You get the basic idea, I suppose.

So, yes, little P basically cries ALL DAY LONG, as soon as he realises that I am TWO STEPS away from him. And, so, he's stuck on my hip most of the time, or walking 1 step behind me, just to ensure that I don't run away.

The reason I am venting today, is because sometimes I miss the "easy" days of infanthood.

I say easy, because, "all" infants need, are food, comfort, and a clean tushi. THAT'S ALL.

There are no tantrums for "I want this bath time to go longer than the current 30 minutes!".

Or, loud screams if you delay in peeling off the mango and chop it into grab-able slices for little hands.

And, may the heavens help you if you try to pop a diaper or change clothes. MY GOD, THE SHEER HYSTERICS THAT FOLLOW!

You would think that toddlers generally are quite happy in running around the house with poop in their bottoms, with or without diapers.

Infants, on the other hand. AAAH! They cry and holler AS SOON AS they pee or poop. They can't stand the thought of being wet and dirty, they have so much dignity in them, bless them!

But, these little monster monkey toddlers! Gaah! They will pull the diaper/nappy/knickers from you and rush at the speed of a Concorde to the balcony, from where they will throw the diaper/nappy/knickers onto the head of an unsuspecting passerby!

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY! That was little P, yet again. For the fifth time this day.

It takes me ages, I kid you not, to get him dressed. First, I have to clean his REALLY REALLY DIRTY face, an act that needs me to hold him, because he will kick the crap out of me. Or push me. Or head butt me.

Yes, apparently, toddler boys are THIS FRISKY!

And, my God, don't even get me started on how dirty those little hands can get! wowza!

Infants, on the other hand, will LAY IN ONE PLACE, probably even snooze, while you change them. They won't move an inch! Aaah, I wonder what that feels like. To change somebody who's NOT A JELLYFISH THAT STINGS!

And the feeding! Oooh, easy peasy! yes, infants do feed quite often. And very little. But, it's so easy to feed them, irrespective of whether you breastfeed or formula feed.

They stay in one place and calmly feed. No distractions, no nothing.

They don't hold monster trucks IN THEIR HANDS WHILE THEY breast feed. And try to shove that down your bra and play peekaboo with the damn truck. HIDDEN INSIDE YOUR BRA. BETWEEN YOUR BOOBS!

Or a bottle of vicks vaporub.

Don't ask me about that one. Little P is obsessed with that one. And his FOUR BOTTLES OF baby powder. He holds onto them whilst asleep!

I mean, I know babies who have hugsy toys and teddy bears and what not. But, baby powder?! Seriously?! Whatever works for him!

At least till they are six months old, infants only need milk. And that makes our job so much easier! No 4 different kinds of food items at one meal, just because we are cranky and don't like the first three options that were served to us.

For infants, you pop the boob out, and you are sorted!

For a toddler, firstly, he himself is now capable of popping the boob out, thankyouverymuch!

Yep. They learn to do that. IN PUBLIC. PULL UP YOUR SHIRT AND TRY TO UNDO YOUR BRA. IN PUBLIC. UHUH!

So, if at all yours doesn't do, and you do pop it out, in all probability, s/he will come and bite you! Because, THEY ARE TEETHING!

When you go for a stroll, to burn off your post partum fat, your infant will happily either let you carry him, or sit in his pram and watch the world go by.

Your toddler?

First, he will throw a fit because he wants you to carry him, even though he is perfectly capable of walking. Walking my ass! He is perfectly capable of running away from you, in the middle of the road, giving you a heart attack, yet again!

Then, just when you huff and puff and look all idiotic pretending that you can walk with that toddler on your hip, your toddler will decide that it's time to get down NOW! IN TODDLERS' WORLD, NOW MEANS NOW!

NOT 0.00001 SECONDS LATER.

If at all, yours is still in his pram, he will most probably either try to STAND IN IT. Or, get down and push the pram himself. While you look like an idiot trying to push an empty pram, that's loaded with vegetables by now. Might as well put it to some use, eh?!

I don't know if infants and toddlers sleep any different. Mine is still up quite a lot through the night. The difference is that in the infancy stage, you can still get them to sleep, either by rocking them, or walking them, or feeding them.

But as toddlers, THEY DECIDE, OKAY? IT'S THEIR RULES. NOT YOURS. So, don't even pretend to think that you can get them to sleep when you want them to sleep, or worst, when you want to sleep yourself!

I now wonder, why is it that, when babies are babies, we want them to grow up, and then when they do grow up, we miss the baby stage!

Tonight, I may just have to hug the damn baby powder bottle and sleep.

What's your cow doing in the potty?! - Things toddlers' moms say

Being a toddler must be an amazing experience. Toddlers tend to do the most bizarre things, and they get away with it, because, you know what? It's their job to do bizarre things!

It's also in their job profile to push our buttons when the timing is extremely unfortunate, and they get a lot of joy in doing this. All toddlers look for, is our reaction. Whether it's a Tarzan-like scream, or a laugh like a mad cow, it doesn't matter. The fact that we react, is more than enough for them to do the same annoying thing over and over again.

Little P, my toddler, is just like any other out there. His antics border on the ridiculous most times. I find myself screaming and shouting 23 hours a day, but for him, it doesn't matter. I could be speaking Spanish with a Tamil accent, but it wouldn't bother him. He's so busy being a toddler!

Throughout the day, I find myself saying the most obnoxious things in response to his heroics. I never imagined anyone would ever say these things, but I find myself constantly making outrageous statements.

Bath times are the most fun. Well, fun for him, and sheer torture for me, as I try not to slip and fall on the watery floor, and likewise, keep little P from falling.

At the same time, I have to bathe myself and him in one go, while he is busy being a toddler. So, I find myself saying:

Do not eat that soap!

What's your cow doing in the potty?!

Why on earth does your auto have toothpaste on its lights?!

NO, I also do not want to eat soap. NOBODY EATS SOAP, OKAY?!

Your willy does not need toothpaste! Now put that down and stop touching yourself!

Lunch times are crazy too, if not crazier. Most of the times, if he's in the mood, little P will happily sit in his toddler booster seat, a strap-on seat on top of an adult dining chair. He plays with his toys and I sing and dance, while I feed him his lunch/dinner. He also "feeds himself", BUT ONLY WHEN HE'S IN THE MOOD. Yes, toddlers have mood swings! WHADDAYAKNOW, EH?!

We are surrounded by a bevy of toys, mostly vehicles, because he loves them. We also love pots and pans and ladles and big fat brinjals and onions and tomatoes. So, yes, we are surrounded by all these friends, when we sit down to eat.

Here's a sample of my finest Pulitzer Prize-winning words:

Here, give some mum-mum to the powder bottle. C'mon, quick, it's crying for food!

Aaah, look! Your giraffe wants some water. Shall we give him some of your water? NOOOOO! DON'T THROW THE GIRAFFE INTO THE GLASS!

No, your belly button doesn't want water. And, no, it doesn't want food as well.

Did you just feed food to your willy?! Why is it orange?! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!

The thing with toddler boys, or rather, boys ANY AGE, is that they really are obsessed with their pee pees! Mother of God, they seem to touch it all the time! As if to remind themselves that it's still in the same place as last time, and hasn't shifted to a new location because of rent issues! GAAH!

Up until a few moments ago, I found myself screaming, "Why are you swinging that beet root?!", as he went around the house vroom-vrooming the beet root and screaming like a gorilla!

The day before, it was, "Stop kicking that musk melon around the house like it's your personal football!", as the poor melon was subjected to shouts of "BALL!" and was showered with little kicks that could knock down a 70-kg man!

Toddlers love hide-and-seek games because for them the concept of something existing even though it is out of sight is extremely exciting. The fun is that they do this with everything and everybody.

And, so, again, all the pots and pans are subjected to a round of hide-and-seek, and the challenge for us adults is to constantly second guess where we can find our assortment of pots and pans, when we need them the most.

Just like any toddler, little P is also obsessed with all kitchen appliances, and we allow him to explore the ones that are safe to pretend play with.

Which again leads us to say out loud some really outrageous words, that border of pure mental monologue. WE SHOULD BE JAILED, I SAY.

Why is the mixer jar "sleeping" in your cot?!

The ladle doesn't need to be washed! DON'T THROW IT INTO THE WASHING MACHINE!

That pan is not your car, so take your little bottom out of there and go play with your toys!

This game of hide-and-seek extends into peekaboo sessions, as everything around the house is hidden in the most atrocious nooks and corners, including under and over body parts. Yes, in our household, it's NORMAL to scream "FOUND IT!" after we chance upon a spoon or a fork from UNDER OUR OWN SHIRT.