Bye Bye peace and cleanliness, Hello rough play! - Things I've learnt as a mom to a boy

I've said this before, or rather, I've admitted this before: I WAS very apprehensive about being a mommy to a boy. I was scared because, well, I am a girl, and therefore, I have no clue what's it like being a boy!

I don't have siblings, so no knowledge bank there, as well. I have cousins, yes, but that doesn't count when it comes to intimately knowing what being a boy is like.

And, now that he, the little dude, the little P, the little monkey, is here, I am in love, pure and joyous love. I cannot imagine life without him. Heck, I can't imagine what it would be if I had a girl. I've become so used to being a mommy to a boy, that now, having a girl would probably give me goosebumps!

Having said that, I must state that raising a boy isn't exactly a cakewalk! It's got its own shares of funny learnings and shocking experiences. You have to admit, bringing up a girl is very different from raising a boy, and it's not just the clothes I am talking about!

Sure, I always wanted to have a little girl and dress her up like a little princess, all pretty colours, and what not. But, having a boy has changed my perception and expectation of being a mommy.

Here's what being a mommy to a little boy has taught me:

1) Boys toys are SO MUCH COOLER! 

As a girl/woman/lady/aunty, I have only ever been exposed to the world of dolls and doll houses and pretend kitchens and skipping ropes and all that jazz. I never knew what owning a toy tractor felt like, or what kind of sound does a toy bike make!

I am pretty sure the only time I saw a concrete mixer was when I went to school, and I am also pretty sure that I no idea what it was called, maybe because there was some funny name I had made up for it. Who knows?!

0k

But, being a mommy to a little boy has opened my eyes and ears to an exciting world of even more exciting vehicles. Who knew monster trucks and fire engines were so cool and made for such amazing pretend play?! All that vra vra vroom throughout the day! Woohoo! My ears certainly miss all that action when I am away from home! Uhuh! I can't wait to get back to the tens of cars and trucks and bikes and engines we have at home, and all that vra vra vroom we do through the day!

And the sheer bliss of waking up everyday to shrieks of "CAAAAARRRR!", is just that, sheer bliss!

Or the way little P says, 'TRAYYTORRR!", because he can't yet pronounce the C in tractor and it comes out all cute and cuddly without the C. Or the BBBB---BU--BBUSS! The BUS is also pronounced with a silent S, but man! That makes it sound so much cooler and more fun!

Who cares about pink ribbons and pony tails?! We want wheels, and lots of them!

2) QUIET TIME, WASSDAT, YOU SAY?!

Being a mommy to a little boy also means you get your ears up for the constant screams and shouts of excitement that follow with every little achievement that little P manages. Whether it's unlocking his beads or throwing the toy auto from the balcony, or even throwing the water bottle from atop the chair! We sure are always excited and we certainly like to show it with our lungs! 

Who wants quiet pretend play combing dolls' hairs and making tea with fake miniature cups?! We would rather be a teapot our self and dance and trot around with a naked bum as mommy sings I am a little teapot! Because, that's so much cooler and extremely self satisfying and not at all funny. Right?!

3) WHERE'S MY WILLY?!

Boys will be boys, they say. And, boy! Are they right?! What's with the constant touching?! I wish I could explain to him that his willy will be there all day and night. But, I don't think that even if he were to understand what I say, it would matter. Because, we have to touch it to believe it that it;s there and not suddenly decided to go on vacation and leave us, GOD FORBID, WILLY-LESS?! HORROR OF ALL HORRORS!!! WHERE'S MY WILLY?!

4) THE MESS. OH THE MESS

I have been told that little girls are way too clean from childhood and they have far too much self respect about letting themselves or their surroundings get dirty. I didn't think there was an iota of truth behind this. But now, I am convinced. 

The amount of dirt that comes falling off when I trim his nails, which is exactly every 6 days, because by day 7, they seem to take on shocking horror movie proportions and he can claw you to death with those sharp rascals!

And, don't even get me started about the lines and lines of dirt that accumulates under the neck, in the folds. OR THE ARMPITS?! Seriously, armpits are dirty, at 16 months! What's going to happen when he's a teenager?! Dear God, please give me the strength and some really strong body wash that can ably attack those germs without burning a hole in my pocket!

The house looks like it was wrecked by the fury of nature. It wasn't. We just had lunch. That's what happens when we eat, okay?! The food suddenly starts flying off the plates and the water is splashing on its own. I have no idea why mommy is always screaming that the house is a mess, and daddy is screaming that she isn't keeping it clean. Don't they know, this is just fine and this is how it will be till I move out their house? They should just grow up and accept things! Huh, silly adults!

5) WHO FARTED?! 

I am so glad that I am not a prude when it comes to toilet humour and all things fart and poop! Because, apparently, farts make little boys go giggle giggle and they literally go ROFL. Huh!

Who knew that I had this ability to make him go ROFL without trying, eh?! And, to think that he has it in HIS GENES! OH MY! I don't think I would have been happier if he had inherited some scholarly genes. Oh no! I am just happy that he thinks farting is normal and it's fine to LOL when it leaves your body, 'NUFF SAID!

The beginner's guide to raise a toddler and be a homemaker

Life with a toddler is a little bit of this and little bit of that.

There are good days and not-so-good ones.

Some days are dirty, with everything looking and feeling and seeming to be dirty.

Others, not so much.

Some days, little P is the cutest cuddle monster you can lay your hands on.

Others, he's just a little monster!

Life with a toddler teaches you lot of things, It gives you patience, it makes you the daddy, or rather mommy, of innovation.

You are constantly looking for ways to entertain him while you do the chores, or at least, pretend to do them, because you don't like doing them.

The easiest of tasks take forever, while the most difficult of them will suddenly be over in seconds!

I've only been a mom for a little over a year now, but I have seen so many changes in myself, I wonder what's gonna happen to me by the time he's 20 and ready to leave us in search of his own identity?!

So, I thought, let me see how some tasks now unfold after having had a baby.

These tips will definitely not help any mother out there, so, please refrain from looking for any help here, okay?!

Most days, I have no idea how I get from BEGIN TASK to END TASK! It just happens! As if I had a magic wand with me!

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR TODDLER'S CLOTHES/DIAPERS IN 30 MINUTES

You read it right. It is indeed 30 minutes, and not 3. No self-respecting toddler will allow you to change his diaper in such a short span of time.

Take out diaper from toddler's almirah, which is bursting at the seams with a million clothes and a zillion diapers. NOTE TO SELF: MUST CLEAN THIS TOMORROW. OR DAY AFTER. OKAY, SOME TIME THIS MONTH!

Get toddler to the bed, so you don't have to bend. Turn to pick up diaper, and TODDLER IS MISSING!

He was here a second ago! Do a quick recce of the house shouting his name, but zero results! 

Come back to the room, only to find toddler hiding behind the almirah YOU PASSED on your way!

DUH!

Repeat step 2 twice, before you finally manage to get a grip on him.Open diaper. By now, toddler has decided this is a good time to PEE ON THE BED!

You quickly use your mommy x-ray scanning eyes to look for a cloth that can absorb the pee, so it doesn't hit the mattress!

BEEP! TOO LATE! You end up using your palms, cupped, so that you can catch the flying pee. Do a little whoop, because you saved the mattress!

Clean him, and pop the diaper on. FINALLY!

He's having none of this. He quickly kicks it away before you can strap it in place, to the left side of the bed. You follow him. Mind it, he's on the bed, and you aren't. So, you have to go around.

Okay, now you both are on the same side. You sit down in front of him. He runs to the right side! ^&@(@!($(@&

You do this 5 times, before realising you are an idiot and look like one. He's enjoying and you've just had your gym workout in less than 5 minutes.

He's challenging me, you think! How dare he?! I am the mommy!

Wait, where's the toothbrush I use to entice him to stay still for 5 seconds?!

Okay, put toothbrush in your mouth. Now, sing I am a little teapot, and this is the way we brush our teeth.

Toddler is enamored by your ability to look like a fool for 10 seconds! 

JOB DONE! THE DIAPER IS ON. 

IT ONLY TOOK 30 MINUTES AND YOUR SANITY!

Oh wait! It's backside-front! DAMMIT! REPEAT AGAIN!

HOW TO TAKE A SHOWER IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTES

First, pretend to play hide-and-seek, so you can skip away while he's hiding.

After 5 minutes, you realise this isn't working. He's figured you are up to something. The hot water will soon turn cold and you are stinking like a pig.

Fine, let me just go!

As soon as you shut the bathroom door, there are screams and shouts.

Open the door. Find your own mother standing outside, looking at you standing naked. FLASHBACK 20 YEARS AGO!

MOM,GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Oops, you realise she's trying to help you by distracting your toddler.

Okay, fine, you can stay here and watch me shower, SIGH!

By now, 30 seconds have passed, and the shouting is still on. You are soaked enough to quickly lather some soap.

The screams are getting louder! You grab your phone, kept right outside for emergencies like this, and with soapy hands, get to YouTube. 

Dammit! the phone just slipped. More screams and shouts! From me and toddler!

The water is now cold.

Somehow manage to retrieve phone, but BUMP YOUR HEAD on the bathroom table top.

Oh c'mon, nursery rhyme, just start already!

Toddler decides he wants another one, and not this. Repeat previous step, without the phone slipping off and you bumping your head.

Before the song is over, quickly apply what's left of dried soap in your hands on yourself, and pour the entire bucket of cold water over you at one go.

CURSE EVERYONE AND THEIR RELATIVES.

You are done!

Realise that you forgot to carry your towel with you, so walk out gingerly, all naked and dripping with soapy water, only to BUMP INTO MOM! BAAH! She's already seen you like this today. AND YESTERDAY. THE DAY BEFORE, AND BEFORE THAT AS WELL.

HOW TO KEEP A CLEAN HOUSE

Wake up in the morning, or rather, are woken up by toddler, who climbs over you to get off the bed and ends up kicking and poking you in your womanly parts.

Good morning, my cupcake! Thanks!

Almost trip, as the pile of clean clothes you dumped on the floor last night to fold and keep away TODAY, has magically changed its position from where you dumped it last night.

Glare at toddler, who has no idea why mommy is so happy early in the morning.

PROMISE TO SELF: I WILL CLEAN THIS AS SOON AS I AM DONE WITH BREAKFAST

Breakfast comes and goes. So does lunch.

Evening is here and the weather is so pretty. How on earth can anyone fold clothes when the sky is so blue?!

Enter night time. The pile has grown, because you washed clothes again today, and they are all dry and smell great. 

Then you recall, oh wait, these are clothes from Monday! Today is Thursday!

Dammit!

It's time to sleep now, you say. I am so not doing this right away. Too sleepy!

PICK UP CLEAN CLOTHES AND DUMP ON FLOOR.

Tomorrow morning, as soon as I wake up, I am hitting this pile of clothes with a revenge!

Or maybe, I can just take a REALLY BIG BED SHEET, and hide all these clothes under that! If I can't see it, nobody else can, right?!

And, just like that, TADAAA! THE HOUSE HAS BEEN CLEANED IN LESS THAN 10 SECONDS!

C'mon now, Be nice. Go ahead and thank me.

The ABC of P - Pregnancy and Parenting

I've been thinking, what if everything that happens in and around pregnancy and parenting could be fit into the ABC. Just 26 characters and what each one stands for, during those 9 months and the rest of your life.

A - ADVICE

This one is number one, obviously because it's A. But, more than that, it's because the second you announce to the world that you are pregnant, the advice starts pouring in. You suddenly are trending on the advice graph, because everyone is talking TO YOU, ABOUT YOU.

Mind it, very rarely will you come across advice that will actually HELP YOU. Mostly, it will just be well-meaning strangers and relatives and friends giving you tid bits about them and their aunty's mumm'y neighbor's uncle's wife's pregnancy which WAS THE SAME, OH MY GOD!

Even the molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen in your glass of water will have advice for you, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT AND ARE LOOKING FOR ADVICE!

B - BUMP, BABY, BUM AND BREASTS

Bump - everyone will want to touch it. Ditto, the baby. The other two, not so much. Sorry, breasts, yes. Once you deliver, EVERYONE IN YOUR DELIVERY TEAM will touch them to feel for milk.

The bum? well, It gets REALLY BIG and that's why it gets honorary mention here. And, it takes forever to knock the fat off it. REFER TO U - UNDERWEAR

ALSO, BAMBOOZLED

That's because the A-ADVICE you get is so useless, you feel like you've been bamboozled! Nobody tells you the real thing. Everyone gives anecdotal evidence, but nobody offers any intelligent advice on how to tackle a problem.

Ohhhh! You are going to miss sleep!

Okay, if so, then why don't you tell me ways on how I can GET SOME SLEEP?!

C - CHILD BIRTH

The D-day you've been waiting for is here. And you are shitting bricks. And then you pop out a football from your "down there". Yes, okay, need I say more?

ALSO, CAESAREAN. Considered to be an "easy" option for child birth. Except that, it isn't. The pain lasts for months. And, there's always a weird-shaped lower tummy that hangs over.

D - DADDY

The love of your life now has a new love and you are okay about it. Mush! It's sheer bliss to see daddies holding their babies and smelling their hair and that lush baby smell.

E - EASY

Everyone tells you it's easy. It isn't, okay? It's somewhere in between. Just accept it and move on.

ALSO, ENERGY, OR THE LACK OF IT

Pregnancy can be hard on some women. There's no "glow". There's only a "blow", as in body blow, because everything aches!

F - FAT

This one is for me, not for the fellow mommies who've gone back to shape.

We gave birth. TO A PERSON. It's okay to be fat for a while, at least till you are feeding that person.

ALSO, THE F***, You will say this A LOT! In the initial days, when you are getting over the shock of everything that no one told you about (READ A - ADVICE).

Once your baby turns into a toddler, you will find yourself replacing the F*** with FLUSH, FISH, FREAK, FAN. Anything that starts with 'F', because it's only when the 'F' leaves your tongue, do you realise that you would rather not complete the sentence.

G - GOOF UPS

There will be many. Inside out pants. Backside-front diapers. Inside out Tee shirts, yours, not the baby's. Because the baby was crying and you didn't want to rush out naked to ask Daddy for help.

H - HIPPOPOTAMUS

This is also for me. I feel like one. I will eventually get over it, ONE DAY.

ALSO, HORROR MOVIE

Because, life suddenly feels like one. Parenting is hard work and you don't get any bonus or "good job" cards. You constantly feel lost and scared and are forever questioning yourself.

I - AS IN I, ME, MYSELF

You tend to forget yourself once the baby arrives. And, that's okay. You WILL HAVE TIME once he's 20 years old.

J - JUST LIKE THAT

And, just like that, he will start sleeping through, Or take to potty training. Or start walking/talking/crawling. Parenting is full of beautiful surprises.

K - KICKS

During pregnancy, from the inside. Once they are out, THEY CONTINUE TO KICK YOU! While changing diapers during their infancy stage, just because they life how their legs move when they kick!

And, as a toddler, they will kick just because they like the way you screamed like a wimp when you were kicked.

L - LOVE

The moment you lay your eyes on your baby, that's pure, eternal love. No amount of pee, poo and vomit will ever make you think, "let's go on a break". No. THIS IS IT. Time for the husband to take a back seat!

M - MILK

You will find yourself talking about this till your baby is 6 months old. It will feature in every random conversation you will have.

ALSO, MOM, MOTHER

Because, you will suddenly have so much respect for her. You will feel ashamed and embarrassed for things you may have said to her in your teenage years.

MOM, I AM SO SORRY AND SO THANKFUL. This will play in your head, over and over again.

N - NEVER SAY NEVER

To anything. Because, life comes full circle. You will find yourself sitting in the middle of the day with a pot as your hat, even though all this buffoonery was below your standard.

Kids make destiny bite you in the bum, okay? SO, SMILE AND PRETEND TO FEED THAT POWDER BOTTLE!

ALSO, NO

You will find yourself saying this TWENTY THOUSAND TIMES  A DAY!

NOOOOO! DON'T LICK THE CARPET! NOOOOO! DON'T EAT THAT SHOE! NOOOOO! DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR OWN POOP!

O - OH MY GOD

REFER TO F***, as OMG will also be a sound replacement for WTF?!

You will OMG a lot! OMG, THERE'S VOMIT ON MY SHIRT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT ON EARTH STINKS SO MUCH!

P - PEE PEES

This one is for fellow mommies to little boys. They start touching theirs WAY TOO EARLY! I was hoping the touching wouldn't kick in till teenage years. Sigh. What was I thinking?!

Q - QUESTIONS

Talking toddlers have a way of asking the most inane questions. What do dogs eat? Why is aunty thin and you are fat? Where do babies come from?

'NUFF SAID!

R - REASONS

You will constantly find yourself defending your parenting choices. So, there will be reasons for everything that you do, that others may deem "wrong", because they "NEVER DID IT THIS WAY IN THEIR TIME".

S - SEX, OR THE LACK OF IT

I am NOT commenting on this any further!

T - TODDLER TANTRUMS

Aahh, I end up finding myself in the midst of one every five minutes! They sure are fun!

One of these days, I am definitely pulling my own hair!

U - UNDERWEAR

Big, ugly, scary ones. The ones your great great granny wore for her first night. Because, your B - BUM will achieve gargantuan proportions.

V - VALUE

Everything in life takes a new meaning. Having a baby teaches you so many things, the most of all being, value for yourself, your partner, your marriage, your parents. It makes you a better person.

W - WOW

REFER, OH MY GOD. You will say this a lot. Wow, he's used up all his pants today! Wow, he ate my lunch and threw his behind the sofa!

X - XYLOPHONE

Because NO OTHER WORD THAT MAKES SENSE STARTS WITH X!

You can replace this with X-ray, if you want!

Y - YES

REFER NEVER SAY NEVER. Pants that have projectile vomit on them? SURE, YES, I will clean them.

Try to put him to sleep for the FIFTH TIME in the last 2 hours?! yes, I will do it.

Z - ZOMBIE

NEED I SAY MORE?!?!

Toddlers' rules versus babies' drool

I sometimes think I am going mental. Like absolute mental. I-wanna-pull-my-own-hair kinda mental.

Okay, MOST TIMES, I feel mental. I am having a time tough with my toddler.

I don't know what is it. Maybe it's teething, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a developmental phase. It's separation anxiety for all I know.

You know, the kinds when babies/toddlers realise that they are a different person than their mommies, and hence resort to sheer maddening tantrums to express their displeasure at the fact that mommy has "left them".

And, by "left them", I mean going to the loo to pee. Or poop. Or have water. Change clothes. Wash hands. You get the basic idea, I suppose.

So, yes, little P basically cries ALL DAY LONG, as soon as he realises that I am TWO STEPS away from him. And, so, he's stuck on my hip most of the time, or walking 1 step behind me, just to ensure that I don't run away.

The reason I am venting today, is because sometimes I miss the "easy" days of infanthood.

I say easy, because, "all" infants need, are food, comfort, and a clean tushi. THAT'S ALL.

There are no tantrums for "I want this bath time to go longer than the current 30 minutes!".

Or, loud screams if you delay in peeling off the mango and chop it into grab-able slices for little hands.

And, may the heavens help you if you try to pop a diaper or change clothes. MY GOD, THE SHEER HYSTERICS THAT FOLLOW!

You would think that toddlers generally are quite happy in running around the house with poop in their bottoms, with or without diapers.

Infants, on the other hand. AAAH! They cry and holler AS SOON AS they pee or poop. They can't stand the thought of being wet and dirty, they have so much dignity in them, bless them!

But, these little monster monkey toddlers! Gaah! They will pull the diaper/nappy/knickers from you and rush at the speed of a Concorde to the balcony, from where they will throw the diaper/nappy/knickers onto the head of an unsuspecting passerby!

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY! That was little P, yet again. For the fifth time this day.

It takes me ages, I kid you not, to get him dressed. First, I have to clean his REALLY REALLY DIRTY face, an act that needs me to hold him, because he will kick the crap out of me. Or push me. Or head butt me.

Yes, apparently, toddler boys are THIS FRISKY!

And, my God, don't even get me started on how dirty those little hands can get! wowza!

Infants, on the other hand, will LAY IN ONE PLACE, probably even snooze, while you change them. They won't move an inch! Aaah, I wonder what that feels like. To change somebody who's NOT A JELLYFISH THAT STINGS!

And the feeding! Oooh, easy peasy! yes, infants do feed quite often. And very little. But, it's so easy to feed them, irrespective of whether you breastfeed or formula feed.

They stay in one place and calmly feed. No distractions, no nothing.

They don't hold monster trucks IN THEIR HANDS WHILE THEY breast feed. And try to shove that down your bra and play peekaboo with the damn truck. HIDDEN INSIDE YOUR BRA. BETWEEN YOUR BOOBS!

Or a bottle of vicks vaporub.

Don't ask me about that one. Little P is obsessed with that one. And his FOUR BOTTLES OF baby powder. He holds onto them whilst asleep!

I mean, I know babies who have hugsy toys and teddy bears and what not. But, baby powder?! Seriously?! Whatever works for him!

At least till they are six months old, infants only need milk. And that makes our job so much easier! No 4 different kinds of food items at one meal, just because we are cranky and don't like the first three options that were served to us.

For infants, you pop the boob out, and you are sorted!

For a toddler, firstly, he himself is now capable of popping the boob out, thankyouverymuch!

Yep. They learn to do that. IN PUBLIC. PULL UP YOUR SHIRT AND TRY TO UNDO YOUR BRA. IN PUBLIC. UHUH!

So, if at all yours doesn't do, and you do pop it out, in all probability, s/he will come and bite you! Because, THEY ARE TEETHING!

When you go for a stroll, to burn off your post partum fat, your infant will happily either let you carry him, or sit in his pram and watch the world go by.

Your toddler?

First, he will throw a fit because he wants you to carry him, even though he is perfectly capable of walking. Walking my ass! He is perfectly capable of running away from you, in the middle of the road, giving you a heart attack, yet again!

Then, just when you huff and puff and look all idiotic pretending that you can walk with that toddler on your hip, your toddler will decide that it's time to get down NOW! IN TODDLERS' WORLD, NOW MEANS NOW!

NOT 0.00001 SECONDS LATER.

If at all, yours is still in his pram, he will most probably either try to STAND IN IT. Or, get down and push the pram himself. While you look like an idiot trying to push an empty pram, that's loaded with vegetables by now. Might as well put it to some use, eh?!

I don't know if infants and toddlers sleep any different. Mine is still up quite a lot through the night. The difference is that in the infancy stage, you can still get them to sleep, either by rocking them, or walking them, or feeding them.

But as toddlers, THEY DECIDE, OKAY? IT'S THEIR RULES. NOT YOURS. So, don't even pretend to think that you can get them to sleep when you want them to sleep, or worst, when you want to sleep yourself!

I now wonder, why is it that, when babies are babies, we want them to grow up, and then when they do grow up, we miss the baby stage!

Tonight, I may just have to hug the damn baby powder bottle and sleep.

Motherhood, I love ya, even in my stinky avatar!

Motherhood is fun. it's crazy. It's beautiful. It's challenging. It's an emotional roller coaster. It's overwhelming. It's funny. It's rewarding in its own weird ways.

It's a defining moment in any woman's life. It sure changes a lot of things. Some, for good, some, maybe for the worse. It changes you as a person. I can say all of these things, because they hold true in my case.

The old, pre-baby me was a different person, on the inside and the outside. The fact that I am an extremely emotional person doesn't help things. It makes motherhood seem a different ball game altogether.

There are a lot of fun things I have started doing ever since little P came screaming into our lives more than a year ago.

I find it amusing that I have changed so much, others don't! Who cares?! I know I am a bigger (in size, and in magnanimity) and better person!

I can finally share my pizza without crying inside! Before little P came along, I had no idea that sharing was a virtue. For me, the thought of sharing food was a blasphemous act!

What?! You want me to give a bite of my yummy, scrumptious pizza to the husband?! SO.NOT.HAPPENING!

HE CAN FIND ANOTHER WIFE, THANKYOUVERYMUCH! I AIN'T NO SHARING NO PIZZA!

But now, what's mine is little P's. Without him asking for it, primarily because, he doesn't know how to ask yet.

But, I bet, that once he does start talking, he'll continue to grab, steal and poach food off my plate, and I will still be happy eating just a slice!

I am also okay with picking up food off the floor and eating it now, because I don't want him eating it.

My pre-mommy self would probably cringe at this thought. But, I here I am, picking bread crumbs off the floor and stuffing them into my mouth.

And, I wonder why I am so fat?! HAAH!

Another really close-to-my-heart habit of mine WAS to wear kajal/kohl in my eyes. I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER NEVER step out without decking up my eyes. EVER EVER EVER.

Neither would I ever step put in my glasses, because, hello?! Why on earth were lenses invented?!

Cut to new mom phase, and I have no idea where my kajal stick is. I am not sure if little P ate it, that's a possibility I am willing to consider.

If at all, I do manage to find it at times, I mostly end up only wearing it in one eye, because, before I can bother to shut the other eye, I either smacked on my bottom by little P, because he wants attention.

Or else, I hear frantic screams of "mamma!" because, you know, he can see a crow on the balcony and wants to go say hi!

At other times, he just screams "mamma!" only because he likes the way it rolls off his little tongue and he shines in the way I come running, all kajal-in-one-eye, screaming, "what happened?!"

So, yes, the kajal has figured that I have no time for it. It might as well find someone else to date. I have to admit, "it's not you, it's me!"

And, don't even bother asking me where my lenses are. I know for a fact, that the other day, when I did manage to find the time to wear them, I ended up pushing one of them up until my eyebrows, and it took me and hour to fish it out.

Pre-motherhood, I was a cleanliness freak. And, by that, I mean I was an obsessive person when it came to keeping the house and my person clean.

But, hello, motherhood! I didn't know it was okay to be dirty and keep a dirty house, because, babies come first and the mops and spider webs can wait.

Earlier, the floors would shine, ditto the linen and the furniture. Ditto, me.

Now, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know...

I spend 18 hours a day trying to persuade a whiny and pesky toddler that I am right here and that I am not running away to a clean land where I can keep myself and my surroundings clean. He's obsessed. He thinks I have better things to do in life than being a mommy. Little does he know, eh?!

So, yes, the day he understands that I am here to stay, I will brush my hair, and my teeth, put some kajal in my eyes, wear clothes (not that I am currently sat here naked).

No. I mean, I will wear clothes that are not grey track pants and black tee shirt with a hole that I try to hide, because, you know this (it makes me look slim). Actually, it's THE ONLY THING THAT FITS ME WELL) ONLY BECAUSE IT IS MADE OF STRETCH FABRIC.

Shit. My life sucks. Or, maybe, it doesn't. It purely depends on  how many hours I've spent cajoling little P and how much (or less) cranky he is.

Did I just say I am a better person? Umm, I would like to take that back, please!

Motherhood, I love ya, even in my stinky avatar!

What's your cow doing in the potty?! - Things toddlers' moms say

Being a toddler must be an amazing experience. Toddlers tend to do the most bizarre things, and they get away with it, because, you know what? It's their job to do bizarre things!

It's also in their job profile to push our buttons when the timing is extremely unfortunate, and they get a lot of joy in doing this. All toddlers look for, is our reaction. Whether it's a Tarzan-like scream, or a laugh like a mad cow, it doesn't matter. The fact that we react, is more than enough for them to do the same annoying thing over and over again.

Little P, my toddler, is just like any other out there. His antics border on the ridiculous most times. I find myself screaming and shouting 23 hours a day, but for him, it doesn't matter. I could be speaking Spanish with a Tamil accent, but it wouldn't bother him. He's so busy being a toddler!

Throughout the day, I find myself saying the most obnoxious things in response to his heroics. I never imagined anyone would ever say these things, but I find myself constantly making outrageous statements.

Bath times are the most fun. Well, fun for him, and sheer torture for me, as I try not to slip and fall on the watery floor, and likewise, keep little P from falling.

At the same time, I have to bathe myself and him in one go, while he is busy being a toddler. So, I find myself saying:

Do not eat that soap!

What's your cow doing in the potty?!

Why on earth does your auto have toothpaste on its lights?!

NO, I also do not want to eat soap. NOBODY EATS SOAP, OKAY?!

Your willy does not need toothpaste! Now put that down and stop touching yourself!

Lunch times are crazy too, if not crazier. Most of the times, if he's in the mood, little P will happily sit in his toddler booster seat, a strap-on seat on top of an adult dining chair. He plays with his toys and I sing and dance, while I feed him his lunch/dinner. He also "feeds himself", BUT ONLY WHEN HE'S IN THE MOOD. Yes, toddlers have mood swings! WHADDAYAKNOW, EH?!

We are surrounded by a bevy of toys, mostly vehicles, because he loves them. We also love pots and pans and ladles and big fat brinjals and onions and tomatoes. So, yes, we are surrounded by all these friends, when we sit down to eat.

Here's a sample of my finest Pulitzer Prize-winning words:

Here, give some mum-mum to the powder bottle. C'mon, quick, it's crying for food!

Aaah, look! Your giraffe wants some water. Shall we give him some of your water? NOOOOO! DON'T THROW THE GIRAFFE INTO THE GLASS!

No, your belly button doesn't want water. And, no, it doesn't want food as well.

Did you just feed food to your willy?! Why is it orange?! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!

The thing with toddler boys, or rather, boys ANY AGE, is that they really are obsessed with their pee pees! Mother of God, they seem to touch it all the time! As if to remind themselves that it's still in the same place as last time, and hasn't shifted to a new location because of rent issues! GAAH!

Up until a few moments ago, I found myself screaming, "Why are you swinging that beet root?!", as he went around the house vroom-vrooming the beet root and screaming like a gorilla!

The day before, it was, "Stop kicking that musk melon around the house like it's your personal football!", as the poor melon was subjected to shouts of "BALL!" and was showered with little kicks that could knock down a 70-kg man!

Toddlers love hide-and-seek games because for them the concept of something existing even though it is out of sight is extremely exciting. The fun is that they do this with everything and everybody.

And, so, again, all the pots and pans are subjected to a round of hide-and-seek, and the challenge for us adults is to constantly second guess where we can find our assortment of pots and pans, when we need them the most.

Just like any toddler, little P is also obsessed with all kitchen appliances, and we allow him to explore the ones that are safe to pretend play with.

Which again leads us to say out loud some really outrageous words, that border of pure mental monologue. WE SHOULD BE JAILED, I SAY.

Why is the mixer jar "sleeping" in your cot?!

The ladle doesn't need to be washed! DON'T THROW IT INTO THE WASHING MACHINE!

That pan is not your car, so take your little bottom out of there and go play with your toys!

This game of hide-and-seek extends into peekaboo sessions, as everything around the house is hidden in the most atrocious nooks and corners, including under and over body parts. Yes, in our household, it's NORMAL to scream "FOUND IT!" after we chance upon a spoon or a fork from UNDER OUR OWN SHIRT.

The silly things that make a mom...

Only a mom can know the true beauty of doing mom-like things and saying mom-like sentences.

Some things, only mom are capable of doing, and these things perfectly describe motherhood and its experiences in few short words.

As a new mom, I find myself doing and saying lots of crazy things, which were "below" my creative level earlier. But, having said that, I find myself a lot happier when I do stupid things with little P now, than having done award-winning creative stuff earlier, which never made me content.

Like, drinking milk from a glass and "making" a white moustache for yourself, just so you can entice your toddler enough to drain his glass of milk.

Or pretending to feed the truck in his toy bag, just so that he follows suit and ends up feeding himself in the process.

These silly tasks are so fulfilling, yet so silly, that you wonder what made you "look down" upon them earlier. Because, nothing beats the smile on that face once you have created a perfect moustache on yourself.

As a self-confessed cheese addict, I am finding it hard now to not have any because of the weight-loss "program" I am on. I have to buy it, because I give it to little P as an additional source of calcium and fat. And, so, it gives me the jeepers creepers to see it lying in my fridge, but not having nay of it!

You know you are a mom when the cheese addict in you sees a packet full of cheese slices and pretend not to have seen it, because you bought it only for your toddler, and there's no way you are claiming it to be yours.

The weight loss program also means, I have to go easy on a lot of foods I was earlier allowing myself to eat. This includes leftovers of little P's breakfast, lunch and dinner, which, thankfully, weren't too much!

You know you are a mom when your toddler spits out a morsel and you quickly put it in your mouth, because you don't want him to eat food off the floor. But then, dammit! you are reminded of the diet, and baam! it's too late for you to spit out that absolutely mouth watering stuffed bread you made with lots of ghee! SIGH!

You know you are a mom when you open your bag at the grocery store to look for money, and lay down the following things on the counter: A PLASTIC COW, RATTLE, A HALF-BROKEN RUBIC'S CUBE, A DIAPER, A PRETEND PHONE.

And then, EUREKA!!!

NO, NO, NO, not the money. But the ABC board book that has  been missing from so long, you were convinced your toddler ate it!

Sleeping at night, I often wake up because I find myself being poked in the bottom by the horns of a STUPID PLASTIC STAG, that my little P held onto while he fell asleep. GAAH! HORNS IN THE BUM AT 2AM!!!

After having had little P, we have the chance to finally go meet family back in the husband's hometown. Here's the catch: I wasn't so excited about meeting the family after 4 years, than I was about little P being able to see FARM ANIMALS IN THE LIVE!

And, for me to show off my animal sounds skill that I have to little P! WOOHOO! He will finally know that how mommy moos like a cow and brays like a  donkey is actually how a cow and a donkey sound!

You know you are a mom when, on your anniversary, instead of buying sexy, hot lingerie online, you find yourself buying ugly granny pants because your toddler found the hole in your old ones and poked enough for it to become like a crater on bloody Mars!

As a mom, it's also okay to walk around the house, pretending that you are learning how to strut it like a super model, when you have a green-coloured plastic bowl atop your head and you are shaking your booty at the same time! I AM SEXY AND I KNOW IT!!!

I am also a typical mom, when I snooze for 5 minutes in the afternoon, holding TIGHTLY ONTO MY TODDLER, because he refuses to sleep and insists on playing. And, so, I pray like crazy that he doesn't get up and feel very guilty if I do manage to get 5 minutes of rest.

And, don't even get me started on kind of words and sentences I find myself saying these days. It's a good thing, because, one, I am so strict about any cuss words and slang language.

The bad, or rather, funny part, is that I find myself saying things I never thought anyone did. For example, it's perfectly normal now for me to say, " DON'T LICK THAT POWDER OFF YOUR FOOT!"

or

"Don't you put your finger in my belly button, or dad's!"

"DO NOT GO AND POM POM GRAMPA'S BOTTOM EVERY TIME HE BENDS DOWN!"

The last one has me dying LOL, but I have to set limits, and so, I find myself occasionally screaming those words out!

I also know I am just a normal mom, when I try and recall the lyrics to "wheels on the bus" at 2 am when I go to the loo!

Or when, I come across some suspicious-looking brown stuff on the floor, and touch it to figure out if it's a piece of fruit, OR POOP!!!

I know for a fact, that when I walk into the doctor's with kajal/kohl in just one eye, she's not judging me. Or laughing at me.

Or if she points to the rice in my hair. That's okay too. I am just being a mom.

Here's what today's in-house yoga session looked like!

Just like any other new mom, I barely have time to myself.

Having a shower that allows me to wash the soap off my body is a luxury, and so is having lunch, especially one that isn't interrupted by little P's poop time.

It's a thing with these babies, I tell ya! They can sense when their mommies sit down to eat, and POP, there you go! IT'S FUN TIME!

Cleaning a toddler is an amazing test of your patience. For some beautiful reason, they hate being cleaned. God only knows what they like about running around with a bottom that stinks and isn't washed. My god, the glee on their face is unmatched!

New moms, especially ones like me, also barely find the time to exercise. EXERCISE?! WASSAT YOU SAY?!

ME NO EXERCISE. ME ONLY EAT!

The fantastic thing about being a mom to a toddler is that you don't have to take out time to exercise! The constant running behind them sure burns a lot of calories. Not just that, there are a lot of other exercises you didn't know you could do, during your time running around like a screaming gorilla behind your little tyke.

Here's what my today's yoga session looked like. Pay attention, ladies, I got in some serious workout today!

1) CARDIO: ran behind little P post breakfast, all the way from the balcony to the washroom and back, just to clean his tush. Ours is a somewhat big place compared to the rest of Mumbai, and that's only because we live 15,000 kms away from downtown Mumbai and take 1 week to reach there. Or at least, that's what it feels like!

2) ARMS, WITH WEIGHTS: Lifted little P, who's a tad bit over 9 kgs, all the way to the bathroom to get him to bathe. Once done, lifted him out again, to a warm bedroom to wipe him. He has this habit of running out of the bathroom naked, all wet, and slippery and shedding water like a dog. Runs out all the way to the balcony, to show the world that he's had a shower and the 30 kgs of dirt that he had beneath his finger nails and under his neck is now clean. Only to get dirty 20 seconds later.

3) SIT UPS, IN TWO SETS OF 20: Giving a bath to little P is no mean task. He loves having one, only and only if the water is running, because, what do you know, he's a Bollywood heroine who loves splashing in water in a transparent chiffon saree!

So, the task involves setting up a pail full of water for him to play with, while I sit down and stand back up again pouring mugs full of water over his body and attempt to bathe him. I am not too sure how successful I am in doing this, because he does look clean for a couple of seconds.

4) AQUA AEROBICS: In the bath, it is a ritual of sorts to dance and shake to some weird nursery rhyme, because, apparently, I look entertaining while doing this, especially, in the bath!

So, while The Lord of the Bathroom, little P, attempts to himself pour water over himself, I have to shake my booty to "I am a little teapot, short and stout". The poor fellow doesn't know that I do look like a teapot dancing like this in the bathroom.

I am somewhere scared that I am ruining him for life and scarring him, but I can't help it, because it allows me to give him a bath every day. Else, it's like being a mommy to a little piggy OINK OINK!

5) LUNGES; Potty time is exercise time. That is, his potty time is my exercise time, just to be clear!

My one hand is on his bottom, other on him, trying to hold him and keep him in place. One leg is pushed backwards, trying to keep my balance, because we are doing this suspended mid air. The other leg, is somehow keeping a firm grip on a packet of wet wipes, lest the little monkey grab it out of my hands and run amok with a dirty bottom all around the face and plant his bottom on the sofa!

6) THIGH BUTTERFLY: Nap times remind me of the World War. Only the guns and cannons are missing, though their sound isn't. Because a tired, screaming toddler is capable of screaming louder than the combined sounds of those two!

So, in order to get him to sleep, that is, when he isn't being fed to sleep, he needs to be rocked whilst being cradled. Bless my thunder thighs, that can take his weight and constantly rock for an eternity. At the same time, I get in some quick exercise for my arms too, because juggling him when he fights his sleep is a scene you don't want to miss! He will throw himself backwards, arch his back, head butt you, kick the crap out of your sensitive body parts, but you have to hold onto him, in case he injures himself, or worst, falls off the bed.

7) SOME MORE THIGH STRETCHES: I don't let go of my habit to exercise while sleeping during the night, as well. My little P likes to rest his legs ON SOMEBODY, because, you know, he was a maharaja in his previous life and is used to such lavish luxuries. He has one person on night time duty sleep next to him in such a manner, so that The Lord of Night Time Kicks CAN REST BOTH HIS LEGS ON MINE.

Therefore, every night, all night, I sleep with my legs extended all the way to the moon and back, just so he can sleep peacefully. And, who said they pain in the morning?! Oh no, there isn't an iota of pain!

8) DESI-STYLE ZUMBA: We spend our post lunch time doing desi-style zumba. Yep, we have to burn those calories that we didn't consume you see! because, while mommy was trying to eat, I did some poop-poop. And, once she was done cleaning me, she said she was in no mood to go back to her boring lunch, because mine was such a sight! She is so sweet, I love her!!!

And, so, I make her dance, all bhangra and hiphop and bootyshake, either to some weird Punjabi song that she repeatedly plays for me, or my favorite nursery rhyme! It doesn't matter, she still looks so cute and so funny, trying to move with so much fat on her, just like a mamma elephant!

Sometimes, just to add to her workout, I cry and cry and make cute faces, just so that she can pick me up and dance WHILE CARRYING ME! It's so much fun, I tell you! I know it's fun, because she makes really tragic faces and sweats a lot.

MY MOMMY IS THE BEST!