The ABC of W - Weight, during P - pregnancy and post partum

It goes without saying, that fat and weight are my number 1 enemies. I hate those bastards. But, like they say in good old Indian English style, what to do only, I am like this only.

I am glad to report that I have managed to knock off all of my pregnancy weight!  A LITTLE WHOOP WHOOP FOR ME, PLEASE!

Now, anything else that I manage to do, in terms of my weight, that is, and not my sanity (which, on a separate note, I should add, that I have already lost), will be a plus point. I've knocked off two whole dress sizes. But, I am still fat, if you go by my weight and my height combined together, that bitch of a lethal combination called BMI. ( In my dictionary, that stands for Bite My Innards).

Anyhoo, I've been thinking, my whole life has been about this fat and trying to get rid of it. Not once, can I recall that I've actually managed to sustain that weight loss. It's not because I stuff myself like a pig to bloat back again, but something happens that leads to the weight gain. Sigh... 

Sooooo, to put things down into perspective, here's the ABC of W - Weight, during P - pregnancy and post partum

A -ALMOST

You will manage to lose almost all of your pregnancy weight, one fine day. But that last sticky pound or two refuses to go, and it keeps getting you down. Bloody rascal, that last pound! Or, in my case, 10 kgs of non-pregnancy weight, because I was a fat person to begin with! Can't blame the baby for everything! sigh!

B - BOTHER

One fine day, you will also start to bother about the weight. If you are one of those, who started gymming in less than a month's time post partum, then, good on you! I would probably stay away from such folks, because they make me look lazy! 

C - CLEVER CUTS

They will become your best friends during your struggle with the weight loss, because nobody wants to dress in a tent when you yourself are a tent! Smart silhouettes, stuff that wraps around your jelly belly, those will be on your wishlist and shopping cart on all your shopping apps! TRUST ME! Nothing hides that wobbly fat better than a smartly cut shirt. And, boy, that tummy does wobble a lot in the early days! You will wonder why you still look 5 months pregnant, even though now that the baby is on the outside!

D - DREAMS

You will have two kinds of dreams. One, where you dream of becoming all slim and trim and sexy legs, strutting it like you know it.

Two, in case you have managed to become thin, you will dream of food. Because it takes a good goodbye to food that you gulped down during pregnancy, to knock that weight off!

In my case, please make that dreams of cheese!

ALSO, DIET

This gives me the jeepers creepers!

 

E - ELEPHANT or EXERCISE

Again, only two possibilities. If you knock the fat off, you are the latter. Else, join me in being an elephant, or at least, feeling like one. I don't mean to bruise your ego, but I had days where I really felt like one.

Otherwise, your life will be centered around exercising and maintaining that fabulous shape you've managed to get into! 

F - FAT, WHAT ELSE

Need I say more?

G - GREAT

Great! You've managed to knock off all your pregnancy weight. Now what? The tougher part is to maintain it. How long can we survive on tasteless food that has to be eaten before 7 pm?

Also, GUILT

Guilty about eating what you ain't supposed to. It will kill you!

H - ERMM, HELLO?!

Errm, okay, how did those 2 kgs suddenly show up again?! It's that cheese you ate, hoping that it wouldn't show up! Well, it did! bwhahahah! I hate cheese. I love cheese.

I - IF AT ALL...

...you do manage to stay in shape, firstly, pass me those tips. Secondly, your life will take on a new meaning, because nothing lifts your spirits like good old weight loss. The sun will shine brighter, the days will be more beautiful, you will generally be a happy person. Give yourself a hug! Now, go clean that poopy diaper from the poopy bum of your little miss sunshine!

J - JEALOUS

I am officially jealous of you. And all those fellow mommies who've got their figures back. I love my body and what a glorious thing it did by giving birth, but man, IT'S A SHIPWRECK!

K - KICK THAT WEIGHT

Honestly, it's all about how your mind takes to weight loss. No matter how hard we kick and squat in the gym, it's what on your plate that counts. It feels amazing when so many people ask me what I did, I feel so humbled. But, I do tell them I do have another 10 to knock off. More importantly, I have had to really train my mind about what to eat. And, that is one emotional journey, to say no to food that you could die for.

L - LOVE

Somewhere, during all this time, you will probably also manage to love the new you. You will happily embrace it, because you aren't so short sighted like I am. I have  my own issues to deal with, so I'll happily take that short sighted perspective and continue with my life. Good on you, though!

M - MANAGE

How do you manage to take out the time to exercise, that's the question. With the constant feeding, peeing, pooping, the sleepless nights and days. The last thing you want to do is take out your planner and figure out that at 18 hours you will go for a walk. The reality is, in all probability, your baby will wake up from his nap at 1759 and start howling just when you were about to tip toe out the door! Bye bye walk, have fun without me!

N - NONETHELESS...

...life will go on even though you are still fat. Your baby will grow up too quickly, you would have joined back office too quickly. Weight loss will come and go, but those precious moments with your little cherubs make it all worth the jelly belly and the big fat thighs!

O - OOPS!

You ate after 7pm yesterday. Or ate too much! Or, ate dessert yesterday. And the day before! You naughty momma!

P - PIZZA

Ahhh, the love of my life, my BFF! How do I say no to thee? How do I offend your love for me and send you packing out of my life? Does adding a lot of veggies on you justify the lust? Thin base is better? Whole wheat, then? sigh... no? 

 

Q - QUESTION 

Am I too fat? Am I fat? Am I fatter than her? What about her? Surely, I am not THAT FAT?! C'MON! BE HONEST! I won't say anything, I promise. Yes, we can have sex tonight. Now, be a buttercup, and tell me, how fat am I, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the fattest I cam be?

DID YOU JUST SAY 11? ELEVEN? E-L-E-V-E-N?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! *&^#(#$)($*@_$@&!!#

I AM GOING TO MY MOTHER'S AND I WILL SEE YOU ONLY WHEN I FEEL LIKE LOOKING AT YOUR FACE! 

Have fun tonight!

R - RESISTANCE POWER

The mind is a strange thing. I look at stuff I am not supposed to eat and I keep telling myself, NOOOO NOOOO NOOOO, OKAY? JUST PLAIN NO!

After a few seconds: What's one bite going to do? I will eat like those models, you know, just taste it and spit it right out!!!

A few more seconds, and post one bite: OH MY GOD! I COULD CRY! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING TO MYSELF, SAYING NO TO YUMMY FOOD?!

NONONO, I MUST NOT. NO

THEN: It's just another bite! Surely, 2 bites won't add to my ass!

BEFORE I KNOW IT: What did I just do?! I ate the whole damn thing! God will curse me, my trainer will curse me, my conscience will curse me! You are a horrible looking fat woman who should die! Sigh...

S - SEXY MOMMA!

That's right! We can be sexy even with the weight! Round is a shape and we are in shape. So what if that shape comes in XXL size and 40DD lingerie?!

T - TOO TIGHT

Your clothes, that is. Pre pregnancy won't fit. Maternity ones make you look like a tent. New ones are too expensive to buy! Plus, you will get back in shape pronto! So why waste money on new clothes?!

U - UNDERMINE

Don't undermine the power of exercise, the size of your dinner and the resistance power and metabolism of that fellow mommy next door!

She did it because she exercised, ate too little and before 7 pm, and knew when to say no to food and what kinds to say no to.

V - VOLUPTUOUS

Refer 'L' - The new you will be voluptuous, of course! Pregnancy does make one a little wobbly and it expands your body structure, those bones and those muscles. Think of it as a free renovation you underwent. Because it's free, you obviously don't like it!

W - WEIGHT, OF COURSE

'NUFF SAID!

X - X-RAY

Weird X-ray reports will spook you, like mine did. Mine showed deposits of fat on certain organs. Apparently, it's okay at a certain level, but to me, it spelt death. Like I said, SPOOOOOOKY!

Y - YES, YOU CAN!

It is possible. It certainly is. Some find it really easy, others like me, really struggle. But, it can be done. Maybe the last 2 kgs will never go, but you have a baby to show for it. It's not that bad!

Z - ZEAL

It takes zeal, I tell ya! To hit the gym/track/pool, whatever regime you've got yourself going there, everyday. It's tough. Some days, you are tired! Heck, most days, you will be tired! You have a baby to take care of. And those cuddle monsters aren't easy to handle. You will probably have a yoga session without even realising it!

Me, the pregnant version of Satan

SO, there I was, pregnant and unemployed. OH, sorry, I was on a forced leave and taking rest :s

Life had suddenly changed tracks and everything we had planned to a T was thrown out the window and we were left clueless.

Any hoo, there were more exciting things in life than crying over a job that wasn't mine to be. This was JUST A JOB, after all. In the bigger scheme of things, it didn't matter.

I had happily settled into a routine even without the job. I was still on bed rest and had some new best friends, MY SEVEN PILLOWS!

Yes, the double bed was now a bit too small to accommodate a heavily pregnant me, my true love, i.e. my pillows, and the husband, who had been relegated to one tiny little corner of the bed, much to his dismay ;)

Sleeping, in fact, even laying down, was now a nightmare. I literally needed a crane to put me down and another one to get me back up.

The husband was by now officially scared of me. My mood swings had everybody on their best behaviour. Nobody would mess with me. I was the in-house devil-cum-cruella D'evil ;)

If the term bridezilla was coined for brides-to-be who turned into Godzilla, then I was the damn PREGZILLACONDA, pregnant with the combined venom AND size of Godzilla and Anaconda!!! HISSSSSS!

And much to my glee, I was woken up to hot fresh bed tea every morning by the husband! This was great, getting pregnant!!! Never had I ever been woken up to bed tea by him. The Gods were finally listening!

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. D-day was finally nearing, and so was what felt like the 100 kg mark!!!

I was HUGE by now, every task was a pain to do. I was as big as a house and moving me meant serious business. Nothing would fit me anymore. All the clothes that I had smugly kept away thinking that I would never be THIS FAT, were now TIGHT. YEP!

Destiny was biting me in the bum, CHOMP CHOMP!!!

Life is a bit** out for a vendetta against you

Time was finally flying by. I had miraculously completed two trimesters, or six months, of my pregnancy.

The bump was now happily replying to our nudging and rubbing, much to our delight. This was super cool, this feeling of being kicked the crap out of you, from inside you!

The extra-curricular and unwomanly activities had been passed on to the correct gender. I was no longer the man of the house!

There's nothing like pregnancy and labour to rob a woman of all her dignity, and I don't mean this in a demeaning and sexist manner. It's the most beautiful and natural thing in this world, but man! does it rid you of BLADDER CONTROL! I mean, whoa! It's worse than guzzling litres of water in a non-pregnant avatar for an ultrasound.

I found myself constantly rushing to the loo, half the time checking behind me if I had left a trail of pee. Whoops!

Anyway..!

The thing with luck is that it's good until it turns bad. Ditto with people, they are great, until they grow horns and flash 666 on their foreheads.

At work, my review was due and I was excited, because I had really been working my ass off in the condition that I was in. I was kicked about getting great reviews, but was somewhere concerned that my WFH status might go against me.

I had earned a number of detractors at work, who were, needless to say, quite envious of the fact that I was WFH. I quite doubt whether they knew what it was like to grow a person inside you, not knowing the exact status. There was no guarantee of this pregnancy and we were categorically told the same. We were literally taking each moment and each day as it came.

The day of the review arrived. I was all prepped up with my own performance review. What would happen next would probably be classified as intimidation, to put it nicely.

To cut a long story short, I was mildly asked to "take leave and rest".

You mean, resign? Errrm, no. We can't say that, you see? Take leave...

Okay, then!!! This was whambam thank you, ma'am!!

I don't think I was so mad even when I heard the news of an ex getting married.

What a load of ball-less a**holes, these folks! They needed to grow a pair.

I sent out bye bye emails to those who mattered and asked my stuff to be sent back.

I was done.

Looking like Nigella Lawson in an X-Men movie

Being pregnant is a bit like being in an X-Men movie. You get weird abnormal powers and they disappear as soon as the pregnancy is over.

Just like any other pregnant woman, I suppose, I had developed this habit of rubbing my bump and talking to it. Every time I saw something new and exciting, I would say, "Oh look! There's blah and blah!"

Same with eating anything mouth-watering. I would explain to the bump what I was eating as if I was taking it on a culinary ride. The only difference was that I didn't exactly look like Nigella Lawson. Okay, not even a bit like her.

Fine, not even REMOTELY! OKAY! I GET IT! I DEFINITELY WILL NOT LOOK LIKE HER IN A MILLION YEARS!

Moving on...!

So this X-Men-like quality took on epic proportions everytime I felt sick or unwell. Considering that the current scenario spelt disaster, I looked a bit possessed rubbing my by-now-fairly-visible belly and talking to it.

I was quickly admitted and we graciously allowed them to do so without any exchange of question and answer.

This wasn't just a normal admission in a hospital room on a normal bed.

This was me, remember?! My penchant for weird luck was back again.

Because of the extremely low-lying placenta, called Placenta Praevia in medical terms, my pregnancy was at a severe risk of terminating itself given the blood loss.

Thus, my quick-thinking doctor decided to LITERALLY keep me almost upside down for two nights and days chained to the hospital bed. The head of the bed was moved lower, or rather, my legs and back were at a 45 degree higher than the rest of my body.

This is exactly how I lay for more than 48 hours.

Here comes the fun part: ALERT!! GRAPHIC TOILET HUMOUR COMING UP!

This is how I pissed as well. YUP. With a bed pan under my gigantic bottom, I did the small job. Of course it wasn't pretty. The whole damn thing would run down my back and in other weird places.

But, I somehow managed to maintain  a bit of my dignity AND REFUSED TO GO FOR THE BIG JOB IN THIS FASHION. OH NONONO! That wasn't happening. Sure, I had oodles of love for the baby, but no way was I doing this.

Luckily, the nurse relented and I was allowed to stand up and look DOWN at my feet for a change. PHEW!

The reports weren't what we were expecting. I hadn't even completed 3 months, or 1 trimester, of pregnancy, and it wasn't looking viable in the given condition.

I spent the next 3-4 months working from home. And this wasn't the usual WFH. This was, literally, back breaking shit loads of work, sometime exceeding 14 hours a day. And weekends too, at times.

The 45 degree nuisance was, of course, there to stay. On the doctor's orders, the husband went and bought SEVEN pillows, which were stacked under my legs, and I would lay this the whole time when I wasn't working. I would even lay back and eat, the orders were that strict!

Of course,  I would wait for the customary ONE BIG BURP to suggest the food had been digested, and go back to my LOVELY SEVEN PILLOWS.

Considering that I wasn't even allowed to stand for more a couple of minutes, I took great advantage and managed to get some otherwise unachievable work done ;)

The husband learnt how to cook, for one! I was the queen of his world, and man! Was I enjoying it?!

The saying "eating like a pig" was written with me in mind, in my pregnant avatar. I remember I once ate upwards of FOUR SAMOSAS!!! I felt a bit of a bully, or maybe I didn't! Who cares?!

At this point, I feel a bit like Lindsay Lohan in that movie where there's always bad luck in store for her.

This time, some really shitty news. The good part? It wasn't about the pregnancy.

They would rather have me sleep with Sherlock Holmes

The way things were progressing, it seemed like a million years had passed us. In fact, it seems longer now, in hindsight.

However, I was STILL in my 2nd month of pregnancy, and as per the doctor's orders, was taking it easy and was off work.

The husband was travelling, and that was a good thing, because by now, my farts were the talk of town! Or at least, they sure felt like it.

My mother, who has been a victim of these bomb attacks ever since I can recall, was at her wits end. On the one hand were her daughter's pregnancy and her emotions; on the other, her nasal hair were seriously taking a beating!

I was off work and thoroughly enjoying the break. Entertainment was limited to watching Carrie and her friends have sex in 'Sex And The City'. Well, at least somebody was getting some, even if it was in reel life.

That's all I did all day. I mean, watch SATC... guffaw!! :D But for some inexplicable reason, that only pregnant women might understand, I had this weird fear that if I watched too much of all this canoodling and banging of bodies, my child would be a sex addict and I would be blamed forever!

And for this, I blame the friendly gyaan aka advice I received from some not-so-young women I knew who 'caught' me reading Sherlock Holmes one day. I don't think they would have been so shocked if I was canoodling the detective himself! But goodness gracious! Reading detective stories whilst pregnant is worse than sleeping with the protagonist, because horror of all horrors, your child will be born with snooping abilities and will view everyone he meets in life with a magnifying glass! :o

Any hoo, remember the superstitious me?! I thought, why take such a risk? So SATC was conveniently replaced with 'Grey's Anatomy'! If indeed the baby had to really get inspired, might as well become a doctor and then have sex, right?!

The baby, yes! S/he seemed to be growing fine. My system had somewhat settled, and there weren't any fainting spells a la filmy style. The ONLY thing(s) that bothered me were smells of egg and onion. AND PEOPLE. No, not their smells, although that is a non-pregnancy pet peeve, but people bothered me.

I would cry and bawl at the drop of a hat. I would cry if someone was sad, I would cry if the food was too hot. Too cold also left me in tears. Underwear doesn't fit, cue, me crying. Mom didn't make my favourite lunch, again, hysterics. You get the general idea, I suppose!

I had by now taken permission to work from home and had just about spent two odd days doing so, when the scary blood spots were back.

We literally ran out pantless, we were that scared. By the time we had reached the doctor, who was almost an hour away, I was shitting in my pants because I felt something wasn't right.

And sure as hell, was I right?!

As I stood in front of the doctor, she saw me looking down. And there it was, my 'gut feeling'. Blood was literally dripping down my legs and I was shaking as if I was in cold storage.

BEWARE! THIS WOMAN IS A FART MACHINE!

In my head, I had already decided and dreamt of going through pregnancy looking like Jessica Alba. My body, of course, had a mind of its own. To say that I was ballooning, was of course, coating it with sugar and honey!

I only have half-Sindhi genes, but they suddenly took over my body like there was no tomorrow. Hello, double chin and fat ankles!

It had only been 3 odd days since I had taken the pregnancy test and visited our BFF doctor, so I was only a month, give or take a few days, into the pregnancy.

Every morning, I was woken up to the smell of "ONE BOILED EGG", which I would literally stuff down my throat and follow with a litre of water to get over the damn smell.

People at my work place were giving me suspicious looks, one, because of the igloo padding I would wear; and two, because my lunch box suddenly took on epic proportions! Very diligently packed by mom, of course. And even more diligently chewed, licked and swallowed by idiotic forever-hungry male colleagues!! OOOOOH!!!! SPROUT SALAD! AND FRUITS! grrrr! :s

To make matters worst, I had turned into this friggin' giant BURP AND FART MACHINE! I mean, seriosuly, at one point, it was difficult to make out which end the Enfield-like noise came from! The husband was fed up of me, to say the least. This was, after all, male territory, and how dare I, a pregnant woman, burp and fart so damn loud, that even a sleeping dog would get scared shitless!

Luckily for me, I had a cabin to myself at work. This doesn't imply that I was printing money. It was just an admin decision to give me one, AND NO, IT WASN'T BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT MY FARTING CAPABILITIES!!!

But, Boy! Was the cabin useful?! I only went to work for 4-odd days during my entire pregnancy, but oh man! I made full use of the cabin for my extra-curricular activities ;)

I think it was around the 5th day or so, that I noticed an alarming sign. I was, of course, too worried itself, and the blood spots didn't help. I was lucky enough to have been given a chauffer-driven car by office folks, and was quickly driven down to  my gynaecologist.

It's the damn tiger aka polyp, I kept thinking all the way. My superstitious beliefs weren't far behind, needless to say. So, the ipod was quickly brought out and the playlist double fast-forwarded to some devotional songs. On a serious note, I was battling tears, and was talking to the bump by then, telling it that everything will be all right.

Some quick scans were done, and I was explained that I had an extremely low-lying placenta, the organ that provides nourishment, oxygen and blood to the foetus during pregnancy.

I was told to take it easy, be on bed rest and take leave from work. This wasn't going the way we thought it would and the next couple of months gave us extremely worrying news.