Having a baby is a funny thing. Not funny haha, but more like, sad funny, if you know what I mean...
The one act needed to have a baby is the act of having sex, and yet, the moment the baby is born, that's the very act that goes out the window! kaboom!
NO SEX FOR YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!
I mean, seriously, first, the emotions are way too much and get in the way of every thing. Then, the feeding, and the constant pooping and peeing that take up so much time, that there's no time for any thing else!
And, even if one did have the time, who has the inclination?!
If you have had a cesarean, then most doctors ask you to take it easy for at least 2 months.
And, of course, this is India, where nobody, and I really mean nobody, has sex after they get pregnant. Women are promptly packed off to their mothers', lest their increased level of hormones get better of their brains and their libidos!
In the early days, I would constantly either smell of stale and sour milk, or poop, or pee, or even vomit. After a while, I just stopped bothering, and at times, I am sure I forgot to change as well!
And nobody wants to have sex with you if you stink of any of those things!
Here are top 10 reasons a new mom gives to not have sex:
1) Not tonight love, I just gave birth (a few weeks after the birth).
2) The baby didn't sleep all day. Or night. Therefore, neither could I. Hence, I am sleepless. And tired. So don't even bother asking me. Now, go sleep!
3) The baby didn't feed well today. I am feeling very upset! How can you even think of sex when your own child hasn't eaten all day?!
4) The baby fed TOO MUCH today! I am exhausted! Do you have any idea what's it like to have a baby attached to your boobs ALL DAY?! Of course not, you don't have boobs! Now, go sleep and take that hand OFF ME!
5) You know that baby from the next building? He's too unwell. I got extremely emotional seeing him. My hormones are all over the place! sob sob! I can't get in the mood feeling like this! How can you be so void of feelings?!
6) The baby is 3 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours and 35 seconds old! Look, how time has flown by! It's time to celebrate our bundle tonight! Let's NOT HAVE SEX and just cuddle and look at our wonderful creation sleep peacefully!
7) Your mom just phoned me to give me wonderful advice on how to bring up MY BABY!!! #&$(%(%&%&# YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T GETTING ANY, DONTCHA?!
8) I had a huge fight with my mom today! I am feeling very emotional! Don't even bother looking at me, okay?!
9) Not tonight darling, I just gave birth! (3 months later)
10) WHAT?! Have sex on the same bed where OUR OWN baby is asleep?! What if he wakes up and sees us?! He will be scarred for life! And, we definitely can't have sex once he's up!
I have LOTS MORE up my sleeve. Those shall be saved for rainy days! ;)
DISCLAIMER: I am not saying I used any or all of these, that's giving away too much information! And a lot of you know way too much about me already!
Also, if any of your wives or girlfriends use any of these excuses, then thou shall not blame me!
The one act needed to have a baby is the act of having sex, and yet, the moment the baby is born, that's the very act that goes out the window! kaboom!
NO SEX FOR YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!
I mean, seriously, first, the emotions are way too much and get in the way of every thing. Then, the feeding, and the constant pooping and peeing that take up so much time, that there's no time for any thing else!
And, even if one did have the time, who has the inclination?!
If you have had a cesarean, then most doctors ask you to take it easy for at least 2 months.
And, of course, this is India, where nobody, and I really mean nobody, has sex after they get pregnant. Women are promptly packed off to their mothers', lest their increased level of hormones get better of their brains and their libidos!
In the early days, I would constantly either smell of stale and sour milk, or poop, or pee, or even vomit. After a while, I just stopped bothering, and at times, I am sure I forgot to change as well!
And nobody wants to have sex with you if you stink of any of those things!
Here are top 10 reasons a new mom gives to not have sex:
1) Not tonight love, I just gave birth (a few weeks after the birth).
2) The baby didn't sleep all day. Or night. Therefore, neither could I. Hence, I am sleepless. And tired. So don't even bother asking me. Now, go sleep!
3) The baby didn't feed well today. I am feeling very upset! How can you even think of sex when your own child hasn't eaten all day?!
4) The baby fed TOO MUCH today! I am exhausted! Do you have any idea what's it like to have a baby attached to your boobs ALL DAY?! Of course not, you don't have boobs! Now, go sleep and take that hand OFF ME!
5) You know that baby from the next building? He's too unwell. I got extremely emotional seeing him. My hormones are all over the place! sob sob! I can't get in the mood feeling like this! How can you be so void of feelings?!
6) The baby is 3 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours and 35 seconds old! Look, how time has flown by! It's time to celebrate our bundle tonight! Let's NOT HAVE SEX and just cuddle and look at our wonderful creation sleep peacefully!
7) Your mom just phoned me to give me wonderful advice on how to bring up MY BABY!!! #&$(%(%&%&# YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T GETTING ANY, DONTCHA?!
8) I had a huge fight with my mom today! I am feeling very emotional! Don't even bother looking at me, okay?!
9) Not tonight darling, I just gave birth! (3 months later)
10) WHAT?! Have sex on the same bed where OUR OWN baby is asleep?! What if he wakes up and sees us?! He will be scarred for life! And, we definitely can't have sex once he's up!
I have LOTS MORE up my sleeve. Those shall be saved for rainy days! ;)
DISCLAIMER: I am not saying I used any or all of these, that's giving away too much information! And a lot of you know way too much about me already!
Also, if any of your wives or girlfriends use any of these excuses, then thou shall not blame me!
hahahaha i absolutely luv dis one!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, nivu :D
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete