The ABC of W - Weight, during P - pregnancy and post partum

It goes without saying, that fat and weight are my number 1 enemies. I hate those bastards. But, like they say in good old Indian English style, what to do only, I am like this only.

I am glad to report that I have managed to knock off all of my pregnancy weight!  A LITTLE WHOOP WHOOP FOR ME, PLEASE!

Now, anything else that I manage to do, in terms of my weight, that is, and not my sanity (which, on a separate note, I should add, that I have already lost), will be a plus point. I've knocked off two whole dress sizes. But, I am still fat, if you go by my weight and my height combined together, that bitch of a lethal combination called BMI. ( In my dictionary, that stands for Bite My Innards).

Anyhoo, I've been thinking, my whole life has been about this fat and trying to get rid of it. Not once, can I recall that I've actually managed to sustain that weight loss. It's not because I stuff myself like a pig to bloat back again, but something happens that leads to the weight gain. Sigh... 

Sooooo, to put things down into perspective, here's the ABC of W - Weight, during P - pregnancy and post partum

A -ALMOST

You will manage to lose almost all of your pregnancy weight, one fine day. But that last sticky pound or two refuses to go, and it keeps getting you down. Bloody rascal, that last pound! Or, in my case, 10 kgs of non-pregnancy weight, because I was a fat person to begin with! Can't blame the baby for everything! sigh!

B - BOTHER

One fine day, you will also start to bother about the weight. If you are one of those, who started gymming in less than a month's time post partum, then, good on you! I would probably stay away from such folks, because they make me look lazy! 

C - CLEVER CUTS

They will become your best friends during your struggle with the weight loss, because nobody wants to dress in a tent when you yourself are a tent! Smart silhouettes, stuff that wraps around your jelly belly, those will be on your wishlist and shopping cart on all your shopping apps! TRUST ME! Nothing hides that wobbly fat better than a smartly cut shirt. And, boy, that tummy does wobble a lot in the early days! You will wonder why you still look 5 months pregnant, even though now that the baby is on the outside!

D - DREAMS

You will have two kinds of dreams. One, where you dream of becoming all slim and trim and sexy legs, strutting it like you know it.

Two, in case you have managed to become thin, you will dream of food. Because it takes a good goodbye to food that you gulped down during pregnancy, to knock that weight off!

In my case, please make that dreams of cheese!

ALSO, DIET

This gives me the jeepers creepers!

 

E - ELEPHANT or EXERCISE

Again, only two possibilities. If you knock the fat off, you are the latter. Else, join me in being an elephant, or at least, feeling like one. I don't mean to bruise your ego, but I had days where I really felt like one.

Otherwise, your life will be centered around exercising and maintaining that fabulous shape you've managed to get into! 

F - FAT, WHAT ELSE

Need I say more?

G - GREAT

Great! You've managed to knock off all your pregnancy weight. Now what? The tougher part is to maintain it. How long can we survive on tasteless food that has to be eaten before 7 pm?

Also, GUILT

Guilty about eating what you ain't supposed to. It will kill you!

H - ERMM, HELLO?!

Errm, okay, how did those 2 kgs suddenly show up again?! It's that cheese you ate, hoping that it wouldn't show up! Well, it did! bwhahahah! I hate cheese. I love cheese.

I - IF AT ALL...

...you do manage to stay in shape, firstly, pass me those tips. Secondly, your life will take on a new meaning, because nothing lifts your spirits like good old weight loss. The sun will shine brighter, the days will be more beautiful, you will generally be a happy person. Give yourself a hug! Now, go clean that poopy diaper from the poopy bum of your little miss sunshine!

J - JEALOUS

I am officially jealous of you. And all those fellow mommies who've got their figures back. I love my body and what a glorious thing it did by giving birth, but man, IT'S A SHIPWRECK!

K - KICK THAT WEIGHT

Honestly, it's all about how your mind takes to weight loss. No matter how hard we kick and squat in the gym, it's what on your plate that counts. It feels amazing when so many people ask me what I did, I feel so humbled. But, I do tell them I do have another 10 to knock off. More importantly, I have had to really train my mind about what to eat. And, that is one emotional journey, to say no to food that you could die for.

L - LOVE

Somewhere, during all this time, you will probably also manage to love the new you. You will happily embrace it, because you aren't so short sighted like I am. I have  my own issues to deal with, so I'll happily take that short sighted perspective and continue with my life. Good on you, though!

M - MANAGE

How do you manage to take out the time to exercise, that's the question. With the constant feeding, peeing, pooping, the sleepless nights and days. The last thing you want to do is take out your planner and figure out that at 18 hours you will go for a walk. The reality is, in all probability, your baby will wake up from his nap at 1759 and start howling just when you were about to tip toe out the door! Bye bye walk, have fun without me!

N - NONETHELESS...

...life will go on even though you are still fat. Your baby will grow up too quickly, you would have joined back office too quickly. Weight loss will come and go, but those precious moments with your little cherubs make it all worth the jelly belly and the big fat thighs!

O - OOPS!

You ate after 7pm yesterday. Or ate too much! Or, ate dessert yesterday. And the day before! You naughty momma!

P - PIZZA

Ahhh, the love of my life, my BFF! How do I say no to thee? How do I offend your love for me and send you packing out of my life? Does adding a lot of veggies on you justify the lust? Thin base is better? Whole wheat, then? sigh... no? 

 

Q - QUESTION 

Am I too fat? Am I fat? Am I fatter than her? What about her? Surely, I am not THAT FAT?! C'MON! BE HONEST! I won't say anything, I promise. Yes, we can have sex tonight. Now, be a buttercup, and tell me, how fat am I, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the fattest I cam be?

DID YOU JUST SAY 11? ELEVEN? E-L-E-V-E-N?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! *&^#(#$)($*@_$@&!!#

I AM GOING TO MY MOTHER'S AND I WILL SEE YOU ONLY WHEN I FEEL LIKE LOOKING AT YOUR FACE! 

Have fun tonight!

R - RESISTANCE POWER

The mind is a strange thing. I look at stuff I am not supposed to eat and I keep telling myself, NOOOO NOOOO NOOOO, OKAY? JUST PLAIN NO!

After a few seconds: What's one bite going to do? I will eat like those models, you know, just taste it and spit it right out!!!

A few more seconds, and post one bite: OH MY GOD! I COULD CRY! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING TO MYSELF, SAYING NO TO YUMMY FOOD?!

NONONO, I MUST NOT. NO

THEN: It's just another bite! Surely, 2 bites won't add to my ass!

BEFORE I KNOW IT: What did I just do?! I ate the whole damn thing! God will curse me, my trainer will curse me, my conscience will curse me! You are a horrible looking fat woman who should die! Sigh...

S - SEXY MOMMA!

That's right! We can be sexy even with the weight! Round is a shape and we are in shape. So what if that shape comes in XXL size and 40DD lingerie?!

T - TOO TIGHT

Your clothes, that is. Pre pregnancy won't fit. Maternity ones make you look like a tent. New ones are too expensive to buy! Plus, you will get back in shape pronto! So why waste money on new clothes?!

U - UNDERMINE

Don't undermine the power of exercise, the size of your dinner and the resistance power and metabolism of that fellow mommy next door!

She did it because she exercised, ate too little and before 7 pm, and knew when to say no to food and what kinds to say no to.

V - VOLUPTUOUS

Refer 'L' - The new you will be voluptuous, of course! Pregnancy does make one a little wobbly and it expands your body structure, those bones and those muscles. Think of it as a free renovation you underwent. Because it's free, you obviously don't like it!

W - WEIGHT, OF COURSE

'NUFF SAID!

X - X-RAY

Weird X-ray reports will spook you, like mine did. Mine showed deposits of fat on certain organs. Apparently, it's okay at a certain level, but to me, it spelt death. Like I said, SPOOOOOOKY!

Y - YES, YOU CAN!

It is possible. It certainly is. Some find it really easy, others like me, really struggle. But, it can be done. Maybe the last 2 kgs will never go, but you have a baby to show for it. It's not that bad!

Z - ZEAL

It takes zeal, I tell ya! To hit the gym/track/pool, whatever regime you've got yourself going there, everyday. It's tough. Some days, you are tired! Heck, most days, you will be tired! You have a baby to take care of. And those cuddle monsters aren't easy to handle. You will probably have a yoga session without even realising it!

You must be making 7 course meals everyday! - Things you should never say to a Stay At Home Mom

Life has its own way of getting back at you. It bites you in the bum when you least expect it. Things that you thought of, plans that you made,  all of those go out the window when you least expect them.

Motherhood wasn't how I imagined it to be. I KNEW that it's not exactly a smooth journey, I knew that no two days are alike, and I certainly knew that it takes a lot of patience to be a mom.

If things were to go according to my plan, I would have been a hot yummy mummy right from the start. But, the reason this blog exists because, I AIN'T ONE! At this point, I have managed to knock off all of my pregnancy weight, but I am hoping to make the best of this spree and lose some more.

In my world, I would also have been a working mommy. But, here I am, changing my status on Facebook and other social networking sites and telling the world that I am a stay at home mom. To make it appear cooler, let's call me a SAHM.

As a SAHM, there's whole lot of things I COULD DO. HELL, I WANT TO DO! But, the 'M' in the SAHM means that I have no time for myself, because all of my living energy is spent running behind and taking care of little P. Of course, this is true of all moms, whether they work, or stay at home. Call me lazy, but I do like to use this as an excuse for a lot of things!

But, what gets my goat is the fact that a lot of people tend to think that just because I am a SAHM, I have all the time in the world to potter around and generally do things that I would like to do.

I've come across so many random and unwanted comments about my SAHM status, I am thinking, "let me tell everybody I've got a job that pays me shit loads of money and that from now on, I am going to work everyday and little P can grow up with me on the weekends!"

I would like to see how these very comments take on all judgy pants proportions and these same people would then talk about how well dressed I am and how my little boy is so royally ignored just because I spend all my time playing dress up!

Lesson learnt: THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A SAHM

1) Oh wow! I am sure you get lots of time to make food from scratch, even 7-course meals everyday!

REALITY: I do have lots of time, although, I do wish I had some more. And then, some more. And more. 

REALITY: I do make food from scratch, where scratch means, 2 left over loaves of bread and leftover curry. 

REALITY: I could make 7-course meals, I probably even know how to. Except that it would take me SEVEN MONTHS to put that meal on the table for you to eat. Would you?

REALITY: The only meal(s) I do manage to make are the ones that little P eats, that too is possible with me trying to work with one free hand, the other trying to balance him on my hip, where he's glued all day everyday. Otherwise, I get him to sit on the kitchen floor and hand him an assortment of pots and pans, and then take 20 minutes to beg him to hand me something that I can use to cook.

2) Oh wow, you look fabulous! You are lucky you have so much time at home to look after yourself.

REALITY: Remember the hair?! It stays as a bun atop my head all day, in one place. It dare not budge, and I think that's because all the grease and the food that's thrown at me has decided to act as  glue for that bun of mine. Who wants hair mousse and hair spray?!

That wonderful smell I am giving out is also most probably stale food. Who needs YSL and Hugo Boss, eh?! There's little boss with his wiped off milk moustache on my tee to give off that nasal hair-burning stench.

3) At least you can sleep during the day...(while I work my butt off at work and get paid for it)

uhuh? Yathink?! So, here's what happened today: Managed to get little p to sleep at a time that I like, post lunch, you know, full tummy? Can't keep his eyes open anymore. I am actually smiling thinking of my award-winning achievement!

Anyhoo...

I had work to do, serious work, not the browsing kinds, on the phone, because I am too lazy to take out the laptop. zzzzz!

Before I realised, I had fallen asleep right next to him. 

Which is okay, but, the thing with breastfeeding babies/toddlers, is that they can smell you. Yup, which means, that when they wake up, for whatever reason, and if you are within breathing distance, they expect you to do your job of feeding them back to sleep, and not bother rocking them or singing a lullaby to get them back to sleep.

They are like, "Why are you even pretending that this is going to work and I will fall back asleep?! Just do your job, woman!"

Which is also fine, but, and here, breastfeeding mommies will agree, babies tend to wake up THE SECOND you fall asleep!

So, going back to your assumption, I would like to sleep during the day, and the night. But, I don't. Now, let's talk about how much money you make, poor you!

4) At least you don't have to buy expensive clothes!

Right. I do know lots of other people who would LOVE to be in PJs all day, and look like they haven't hit the shower in a million years. They are probably all me, in my gazillion avatars and are all called moms.

5) Your house must be so clean (I could see my face in those shiny floor tiles)

Yes, yes, yes. Everything shines at my place. The linen, the cutlery, the hardware, my face. Everything, okay? I am Cinderella and I have loads of time and inclination to go about scrubbing the floors and the china till you can see your face in it, all shiny, in your expensive clothes and lush perfume.

6) You should have gone back to your job when the time was right...

...because, now nobody will hire you.

Umm, because I would suck as a great employee?

Bye Bye peace and cleanliness, Hello rough play! - Things I've learnt as a mom to a boy

I've said this before, or rather, I've admitted this before: I WAS very apprehensive about being a mommy to a boy. I was scared because, well, I am a girl, and therefore, I have no clue what's it like being a boy!

I don't have siblings, so no knowledge bank there, as well. I have cousins, yes, but that doesn't count when it comes to intimately knowing what being a boy is like.

And, now that he, the little dude, the little P, the little monkey, is here, I am in love, pure and joyous love. I cannot imagine life without him. Heck, I can't imagine what it would be if I had a girl. I've become so used to being a mommy to a boy, that now, having a girl would probably give me goosebumps!

Having said that, I must state that raising a boy isn't exactly a cakewalk! It's got its own shares of funny learnings and shocking experiences. You have to admit, bringing up a girl is very different from raising a boy, and it's not just the clothes I am talking about!

Sure, I always wanted to have a little girl and dress her up like a little princess, all pretty colours, and what not. But, having a boy has changed my perception and expectation of being a mommy.

Here's what being a mommy to a little boy has taught me:

1) Boys toys are SO MUCH COOLER! 

As a girl/woman/lady/aunty, I have only ever been exposed to the world of dolls and doll houses and pretend kitchens and skipping ropes and all that jazz. I never knew what owning a toy tractor felt like, or what kind of sound does a toy bike make!

I am pretty sure the only time I saw a concrete mixer was when I went to school, and I am also pretty sure that I no idea what it was called, maybe because there was some funny name I had made up for it. Who knows?!

0k

But, being a mommy to a little boy has opened my eyes and ears to an exciting world of even more exciting vehicles. Who knew monster trucks and fire engines were so cool and made for such amazing pretend play?! All that vra vra vroom throughout the day! Woohoo! My ears certainly miss all that action when I am away from home! Uhuh! I can't wait to get back to the tens of cars and trucks and bikes and engines we have at home, and all that vra vra vroom we do through the day!

And the sheer bliss of waking up everyday to shrieks of "CAAAAARRRR!", is just that, sheer bliss!

Or the way little P says, 'TRAYYTORRR!", because he can't yet pronounce the C in tractor and it comes out all cute and cuddly without the C. Or the BBBB---BU--BBUSS! The BUS is also pronounced with a silent S, but man! That makes it sound so much cooler and more fun!

Who cares about pink ribbons and pony tails?! We want wheels, and lots of them!

2) QUIET TIME, WASSDAT, YOU SAY?!

Being a mommy to a little boy also means you get your ears up for the constant screams and shouts of excitement that follow with every little achievement that little P manages. Whether it's unlocking his beads or throwing the toy auto from the balcony, or even throwing the water bottle from atop the chair! We sure are always excited and we certainly like to show it with our lungs! 

Who wants quiet pretend play combing dolls' hairs and making tea with fake miniature cups?! We would rather be a teapot our self and dance and trot around with a naked bum as mommy sings I am a little teapot! Because, that's so much cooler and extremely self satisfying and not at all funny. Right?!

3) WHERE'S MY WILLY?!

Boys will be boys, they say. And, boy! Are they right?! What's with the constant touching?! I wish I could explain to him that his willy will be there all day and night. But, I don't think that even if he were to understand what I say, it would matter. Because, we have to touch it to believe it that it;s there and not suddenly decided to go on vacation and leave us, GOD FORBID, WILLY-LESS?! HORROR OF ALL HORRORS!!! WHERE'S MY WILLY?!

4) THE MESS. OH THE MESS

I have been told that little girls are way too clean from childhood and they have far too much self respect about letting themselves or their surroundings get dirty. I didn't think there was an iota of truth behind this. But now, I am convinced. 

The amount of dirt that comes falling off when I trim his nails, which is exactly every 6 days, because by day 7, they seem to take on shocking horror movie proportions and he can claw you to death with those sharp rascals!

And, don't even get me started about the lines and lines of dirt that accumulates under the neck, in the folds. OR THE ARMPITS?! Seriously, armpits are dirty, at 16 months! What's going to happen when he's a teenager?! Dear God, please give me the strength and some really strong body wash that can ably attack those germs without burning a hole in my pocket!

The house looks like it was wrecked by the fury of nature. It wasn't. We just had lunch. That's what happens when we eat, okay?! The food suddenly starts flying off the plates and the water is splashing on its own. I have no idea why mommy is always screaming that the house is a mess, and daddy is screaming that she isn't keeping it clean. Don't they know, this is just fine and this is how it will be till I move out their house? They should just grow up and accept things! Huh, silly adults!

5) WHO FARTED?! 

I am so glad that I am not a prude when it comes to toilet humour and all things fart and poop! Because, apparently, farts make little boys go giggle giggle and they literally go ROFL. Huh!

Who knew that I had this ability to make him go ROFL without trying, eh?! And, to think that he has it in HIS GENES! OH MY! I don't think I would have been happier if he had inherited some scholarly genes. Oh no! I am just happy that he thinks farting is normal and it's fine to LOL when it leaves your body, 'NUFF SAID!

NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT CURRY! - Welcome to my house, here's what you will find

Hello and welcome to my world. And a bigger welcome to my house, dear neighbor. I know that we've known each other a long time, but you've never had the opportunity to come visit my place.

In the current circumstances, I will say it's your sheer luck, if you manage to walk out of this house without getting seriously injured, or die laughing. Whichever you choose.

But, please don't judge me. I was never like this, and neither was this house. We both looked good. We cleaned ourselves on a regular basis. We still do, except that, now, we hardly ever look clean!

So, like I said, don't judge us by the cover! Now that you are here, here's what you will find:

When you ring the bell, you will most likely hear shouting. Not the abusive kind, but it will most likely be me shouting at little P because he would have spilled something in the excitement of hearing the door bell ring.

Once you are in, you will be greeted by, what will, at first glance, appear to be a Tsunami. The code name for this Tsunami, and the many others that strike our house FIVE THOUSAND TIMES A DAY, is little P.

Yes, he is the same little monkey who is right this moment handing over his car to you, with shrieks of "CAAAAAR!!!", in a note of warm welcome. It's a good sign, trust me. 

Do come in!

Oh, no!! I AM SORRY, YOU STEPPED ON SOME SPILLED WATER! I think it's water, but, I wouldn't bet my life on it. I am not going to say what exactly it is, if it isn't water. Feel free to guess and die of shock!

Are you still wondering why I have some weird looking stuff on my nose, and why I still haven't bothered to wipe it?

That's milk shake. No, that's NOT HOW I DRINK MILK SHAKE!

It sits pretty there, because I have to do innovative stuff to get my toddler to eat and drink at times. So, yes, there's a good explanation for why I have a nose that makes me look like a fat and tragic clown.

Please, DO SIT!

OH NO!!! WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!

Amidst giggles from little P, who thinks somebody let out a fart, I am trying to pretend no one farted, because I think I know that you just sat down on his little squeaky duckling! It's okay, we don't judge! We have a toddler at our place, there's no way we would ever judge anybody!

I am also sorry that I LOOK LIKE I HAVEN'T HIT THE SHOWER IN DAYS!

Trust me when I say this, I SHOWER TWICE A DAY! SO DOES LITTLE P!

But, alas, thanks to him and his toddler antics, both of us look like we desperately need a shower right now! I know that you might even be tempted to throw us both into a pool full of chlorinated water, because you think we stink!

Again, trust me, it's not us! In all likelihood, it's the little tidbits of food that little P keeps hiding under the sofa for doomsday, the day when he thinks his mommy might decide against giving him fresh food, and, God forbid, he will have to rely on the food store that he's opened behind the sofa, under the sofa, behind the bed, under his cot. BASICALLY, EVERYWHERE!

So, that's where that stench is coming from, because in my lazy avatar, I may just have forgotten to fish that food out today. Or yesterday. Or even the day before. Hence, the rotten stench!

Please don't go by how I look. I KNEW YOU WERE COMING! But, this is just how I dress these days. It doesn't matter whether I am home, or out for a walk. Or if the husband is back home after a month. 

I look the same all day, every day! The hair will definitely look like it is crying to be brushed. And washed. It's clearly forgotten what a wash feels like. It is planning to sue me for mental torture.

The red tee shirt that I am wearing...? I have 3 of these. To outsiders, it does look like I wear the same clothes everyday, I don't. I really don't. In fact, most days, I end up changing clothes thrice a day. Mostly because they will either have: poop, pee, mango shake, milk, some vegetable curry etc making weird doodles on my shirt.

Or, it will be because little P comes and wipes his face on my clothes while he's still eating. Like I said, please don't judge.

In all likelihood, you will end up sitting on the floor. One, because of the thousands of toy vehicles, broken and intact, that occupy a place of pride on the sofa; and, two, because there's some suspicious looking sticky stuff on the sofa. It's curry, I assure you. I can even sit on it, just to ease that frown off your face!

It could also be because little P is funnily too possessive of the sofa. He promptly kicks us off it, the second we lay our bums on it. He will keep kicking till we get off. 

Therefore, in order to keep our friendship alive, and to keep your bum in one operative condition, I will suggest you sit on the floor.

WAIT!!!

Let me first clean that sticky thing on the floor, as well. NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT CURRY. Ermm, as of this moment, I cannot confirm what it is. 

Now, that you have somewhat settled, I am actually thinking of asking you to stay longer, just so that I can go and take a leak. Hell, maybe even shower!!!

IT'S OKAY - Stuff I wish I was told about parenting

As a new mom, I am constantly questioning myself. Even now, at almost-16 months, there are times when I feel like I am walking around with a big question mark on my forehead.

When little P has been crying for a long time, I fail to zero down on why he's crying. I try every trick in the trade to calm him, cajole him, talk to him, hell, even distract him. But, nothing works, and I am back to thinking, "I am a useless mom for not being able to get my child to stop crying!"

There are many a times I feel like I have been cheated upon, short changed, even. I feel like I wish I was told a lot of things about pregnancy and parenting. The real deal, you know? Not the stuff about sleepless nights and constant pee and poo.

Those things, everyone knows. But how many actually know what it's like to be a parent. Of all the advice that you get, how much is actually useful and makes sense?

1) I wish I was told that it's OKAY to have an abnormal pregnancy. I felt so judged when I was pregnant and having a tough time with the constant complications that arose. Everybody thought I was having a gala time staying at home and laid up in bed all day. Some even went to the extent of saying I was getting really fat because I was laid up all day and that I would have a really fat baby. Really?! Is that what you would say to someone who was sick and bed ridden? Then why differentiate just because I am pregnant?

2) It's okay to have a caeserean. What is it with women who gave birth the way nature intended us to? Why do they feel they have the right to judge those who delivered via "assisted childbirth"? I went through the whole shebang of labour and the pushing stage. But nothing came out. I felt cheated at that point. But, the intention was to have a safe delivery, my ego be damned.

How would you feel, if you sat on the pot for 5 hours and pushed that whole time, knowing that there was something inside that was dying to come out, yet it never did? Now, multiply that pain a million, heck, even a trillion times, and imagine that you are pooping a football from your frontal "stuff", and not the posterior!

Painful, much?! 

3) It's also okay to be in pain for a while. Or, in my case, a really long time. I took 6 whole months to recover completely. I only started walking at normal pace at around 4 months, I was in so much pain. I got myself checked, but there was nothing wrong. Yet, I was in pain.

And, so, I had to delay a lot of things that I could have started doing earlier. Like exercise. Or household chores.

But, all I got was judgmental responses. " Oh, c'mon! Nobody ever has so much pain!" You are making it up, it's not possible!"

Fine, I made it up, okay? Because I wanted to delay the process of losing weight. Right?! What a dumbass! Who in their right mind would make up such stuff?!

Which leads me to:

4) It's okay to be fat for a while. It really is. Good on you for having lost all your pregnancy weight as soon as your baby popped out! And look at those washboard abs of yours! I wish I could punch you, cuz it surely wouldn't hurt, right?! Steel abs, eh?!

What is it with fat women who think they can call others fat? Kettle calling griddle black?! Hypocritical much?!

I had this sooper fat woman tell me "IF YOU DON'T LOSE WEIGHT RIGHT AWAY, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOSE IT!"

YES, JUST LIKE YOU, you pretentious judgemental cow!

5) I really really wish someone had told me that breastfeeding is bloody hard work. Just to make it work is so difficult. It is such an emotional roller coaster!

Nobody ever tells you how tough it is. or how painful! Those who breastfed say some stupid condescending stuff, and those who didn't, they think formula is the answer to everything and whatever you are doing is absolutely wrong and breastfed babies are forever hungry.

These formula champions could even feed you a bottle, they are so stubborn!

6) I also wish that someone had told me that it's okay if you have to give formula. It's not the end of the world. A baby needs its nourishment, and if formula is providing it for whatever reason, so be it!

Would I judge you if you always ate rice thrice a day, and I didn't?!

7) It's equally okay if someone doesn't want to breastfeed. For whatever reason. It's her choice. Let's not get on our high horses and judge her. If her child wants to come back 18 years later and sue her, that's her problem. Life doesn't end just because somebody you know isn't breastfeeding her baby.

8) The most I wish for is that if somebody had told me how emotional the early days are. In hindsight, I think I cried more than little P! The hormones, the lack of sleep, the pain of the operation, the inability to lay down and get back up without any help, all those debilitating things can really pull you down. You wish someone had told you that it's okay to let the emotions take over.

9) And when the baby gets his own personality, it's also okay to lose the plot at times. I always keep thinking I am becoming a certified nut case. There are days, when I am really really close to tears. And, then, there are some, when I've actually shed them. I wish someone had told me that it's okay to feel this way at times. It doesn't mean you are a bad mom. It just means you are human and have feelings and that it's healthy to express them and not bottle them up.

10) It's equally okay to sometimes let housekeeping on the back burner. In my case, it's ALWAYS ON THE BACK BURNER. Maybe because I am lazy, or had a ceaserean, or because I feel mental most days! Who cares?! I am certain my priorities are bang on, and I won't let anyone question that.

11) The baby - it's okay if your baby ISN'T LIKE HERS. OR HER SISTER'S. Or the other kids in the family. Be proud that your baby is different! Who wants a baby that came out of a mold meant for cupcakes?!

Again, I will admit that I have received a lot of judgy-pant comments about little P and his ways. A number of people I know too well have made random comments about his sleep. IT'S ALL MY FAULT, according to them.

An experienced aunty told me that all the babies in her family would sleep for 7 hours straight in the day?! HUH? DID YOU JUST MAKE THAT STUFF UP?!

What?! He eats adult food! tsk tsk! What?! He's never had food out of a mixer/grinder?! tsk tsk

Err, do you notice that he chews and doesn't gag even though yours still gags at the age of 3?! tsk tsk

I AM GAGGING!

12) More than anything else, I really really wish that someone that told me that it's perfectly normal and natural to "listen" to your baby. Babies are intelligent peeps, I tell ya! We undermine them just because we have a college degree, and they don't.

I am so glad I always allowed myself to be driven and led by little P and not try and concoct my own logic about what I "thought" he wants.

I got told to let him go between feeds for FOUR HOURS! Which self respecting baby would go hungry for 4 hours?! Not even formula-fed babies go that long!

Another intelligent soul told me to feed him only once he'd really started crying! Hold on, I thought there's only crying! I had no idea there were levels of crying, like really started is level 3! CRAZY!

I would make it a point to talk to these people, but it's so difficult to maintain eye contact with them, because they refuse to get off their moral high horse.

In the meantime, I am going to pretend I like to exercise, and that my child sleeps like a dream and that we all have food out of a mixer. Does that make you happy now?

Letter from a mommy to her little boy, regarding PEE PEE

Dear Little P

This is in regard to the below-mentioned task that you performed today with utmost sincerity and patience. The task that lasted a very long while, or at least, that's what it felt like.

I understand, that as a little boy, in fact, simply as a boy, it is under the purview of your job profile of being a boy to touch yourself constantly.

But, as a member of the opposite gender, and more importantly, as a concerned mother, please allow me to write this letter to you to "talk about things".

I also understand that after a few years, this letter might somehow fall into your possession, so I will try to keep it simple and clean, for fear of embarrassing you later.

First and foremost, there is no need to touch yourself constantly. Rest be assured, that IT will always be there. Unless, God forbid, some calamity strikes, or I don't know, you make some other decisions, IT will be there.

So, therefore, I beg you, try and refrain from feeling it every few minutes, hours.

There's a reason why I don't allow you naked bum time anymore. and, you guessed it, IT is the reason.

I find it a bit alarming that your face and your grin take on evil connotations as soon as you realise that your knickers are off, and you get busy. Please, get that grin off of your face, and take a look at the mess you've made.

You know how YOU touch yourself and then go and touch your granny. It's not cool! NOPE.

Also, not at all cool to touch yourself and touch the food that you were eating. 

Let me also tell you, that IT IS NOT OKAY to feed IT, OKAY?!

IT doesn't require mangoes, sapodilla and water melon to be fed. IT has its own way of finding nutrition, therefore, you don't have to be the caregiver.

This is especially true if you intend on sharing food with IT. I am sure IT will manage on its own, without taking a bite off that bread from your plate.

Kindly also do not think of touching me after you've done you know what. I am your mommy, yes, I gave birth to you, yes. You were in my womb for 9 months, yes. But, NO TO THE THING I MENTIONED, OKAY?! JUST PLAIN NO.

Also, if food does happen to fall on IT, in the event that you are eating with your knickers off, as tempting as it may be, please don't pick food off IT and put it back in your mouth.

You also don't have to call our attention towards you when you are busy with IT. We KNOW what you are up to, and we are trying our best to avoid looking at you. So, let's try and keep it at its ignorant best, yeah? When you grow up and hear 'ignorance is bliss', you will know why.

I should also tell you that our help is equally not interested in what you are up to. So, there's no need to call her attention as well. I am happy with the way things are going on the domestic front, so please don't do something that will lead to a sexual harassment case.

You know how it's normal for you to tug at IT for hours on end just to see how far IT will go? It physically pains me to look at you doing that to yourself, so, please, STOP PULLING IT.

I sincerely worry that the strength with which you pull IT, IT WILL COME OFF ONE DAY. I do worry about this.

I am pretty sure that all this is normal, and as I said, under the purview of your life as a boy. I also know that your daddy will think I am an idiot for thinking that you won't be doing this, just because I pretend to be a prude when it comes to IT.

But, that's okay with me. I just want you to know that you don't have to take this job so seriously, and it's okay to let go at times, pun intended.

A concerned Fatmommy

The beginner's guide to raise a toddler and be a homemaker

Life with a toddler is a little bit of this and little bit of that.

There are good days and not-so-good ones.

Some days are dirty, with everything looking and feeling and seeming to be dirty.

Others, not so much.

Some days, little P is the cutest cuddle monster you can lay your hands on.

Others, he's just a little monster!

Life with a toddler teaches you lot of things, It gives you patience, it makes you the daddy, or rather mommy, of innovation.

You are constantly looking for ways to entertain him while you do the chores, or at least, pretend to do them, because you don't like doing them.

The easiest of tasks take forever, while the most difficult of them will suddenly be over in seconds!

I've only been a mom for a little over a year now, but I have seen so many changes in myself, I wonder what's gonna happen to me by the time he's 20 and ready to leave us in search of his own identity?!

So, I thought, let me see how some tasks now unfold after having had a baby.

These tips will definitely not help any mother out there, so, please refrain from looking for any help here, okay?!

Most days, I have no idea how I get from BEGIN TASK to END TASK! It just happens! As if I had a magic wand with me!

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR TODDLER'S CLOTHES/DIAPERS IN 30 MINUTES

You read it right. It is indeed 30 minutes, and not 3. No self-respecting toddler will allow you to change his diaper in such a short span of time.

Take out diaper from toddler's almirah, which is bursting at the seams with a million clothes and a zillion diapers. NOTE TO SELF: MUST CLEAN THIS TOMORROW. OR DAY AFTER. OKAY, SOME TIME THIS MONTH!

Get toddler to the bed, so you don't have to bend. Turn to pick up diaper, and TODDLER IS MISSING!

He was here a second ago! Do a quick recce of the house shouting his name, but zero results! 

Come back to the room, only to find toddler hiding behind the almirah YOU PASSED on your way!

DUH!

Repeat step 2 twice, before you finally manage to get a grip on him.Open diaper. By now, toddler has decided this is a good time to PEE ON THE BED!

You quickly use your mommy x-ray scanning eyes to look for a cloth that can absorb the pee, so it doesn't hit the mattress!

BEEP! TOO LATE! You end up using your palms, cupped, so that you can catch the flying pee. Do a little whoop, because you saved the mattress!

Clean him, and pop the diaper on. FINALLY!

He's having none of this. He quickly kicks it away before you can strap it in place, to the left side of the bed. You follow him. Mind it, he's on the bed, and you aren't. So, you have to go around.

Okay, now you both are on the same side. You sit down in front of him. He runs to the right side! ^&@(@!($(@&

You do this 5 times, before realising you are an idiot and look like one. He's enjoying and you've just had your gym workout in less than 5 minutes.

He's challenging me, you think! How dare he?! I am the mommy!

Wait, where's the toothbrush I use to entice him to stay still for 5 seconds?!

Okay, put toothbrush in your mouth. Now, sing I am a little teapot, and this is the way we brush our teeth.

Toddler is enamored by your ability to look like a fool for 10 seconds! 

JOB DONE! THE DIAPER IS ON. 

IT ONLY TOOK 30 MINUTES AND YOUR SANITY!

Oh wait! It's backside-front! DAMMIT! REPEAT AGAIN!

HOW TO TAKE A SHOWER IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTES

First, pretend to play hide-and-seek, so you can skip away while he's hiding.

After 5 minutes, you realise this isn't working. He's figured you are up to something. The hot water will soon turn cold and you are stinking like a pig.

Fine, let me just go!

As soon as you shut the bathroom door, there are screams and shouts.

Open the door. Find your own mother standing outside, looking at you standing naked. FLASHBACK 20 YEARS AGO!

MOM,GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Oops, you realise she's trying to help you by distracting your toddler.

Okay, fine, you can stay here and watch me shower, SIGH!

By now, 30 seconds have passed, and the shouting is still on. You are soaked enough to quickly lather some soap.

The screams are getting louder! You grab your phone, kept right outside for emergencies like this, and with soapy hands, get to YouTube. 

Dammit! the phone just slipped. More screams and shouts! From me and toddler!

The water is now cold.

Somehow manage to retrieve phone, but BUMP YOUR HEAD on the bathroom table top.

Oh c'mon, nursery rhyme, just start already!

Toddler decides he wants another one, and not this. Repeat previous step, without the phone slipping off and you bumping your head.

Before the song is over, quickly apply what's left of dried soap in your hands on yourself, and pour the entire bucket of cold water over you at one go.

CURSE EVERYONE AND THEIR RELATIVES.

You are done!

Realise that you forgot to carry your towel with you, so walk out gingerly, all naked and dripping with soapy water, only to BUMP INTO MOM! BAAH! She's already seen you like this today. AND YESTERDAY. THE DAY BEFORE, AND BEFORE THAT AS WELL.

HOW TO KEEP A CLEAN HOUSE

Wake up in the morning, or rather, are woken up by toddler, who climbs over you to get off the bed and ends up kicking and poking you in your womanly parts.

Good morning, my cupcake! Thanks!

Almost trip, as the pile of clean clothes you dumped on the floor last night to fold and keep away TODAY, has magically changed its position from where you dumped it last night.

Glare at toddler, who has no idea why mommy is so happy early in the morning.

PROMISE TO SELF: I WILL CLEAN THIS AS SOON AS I AM DONE WITH BREAKFAST

Breakfast comes and goes. So does lunch.

Evening is here and the weather is so pretty. How on earth can anyone fold clothes when the sky is so blue?!

Enter night time. The pile has grown, because you washed clothes again today, and they are all dry and smell great. 

Then you recall, oh wait, these are clothes from Monday! Today is Thursday!

Dammit!

It's time to sleep now, you say. I am so not doing this right away. Too sleepy!

PICK UP CLEAN CLOTHES AND DUMP ON FLOOR.

Tomorrow morning, as soon as I wake up, I am hitting this pile of clothes with a revenge!

Or maybe, I can just take a REALLY BIG BED SHEET, and hide all these clothes under that! If I can't see it, nobody else can, right?!

And, just like that, TADAAA! THE HOUSE HAS BEEN CLEANED IN LESS THAN 10 SECONDS!

C'mon now, Be nice. Go ahead and thank me.

The ABC of P - Pregnancy and Parenting

I've been thinking, what if everything that happens in and around pregnancy and parenting could be fit into the ABC. Just 26 characters and what each one stands for, during those 9 months and the rest of your life.

A - ADVICE

This one is number one, obviously because it's A. But, more than that, it's because the second you announce to the world that you are pregnant, the advice starts pouring in. You suddenly are trending on the advice graph, because everyone is talking TO YOU, ABOUT YOU.

Mind it, very rarely will you come across advice that will actually HELP YOU. Mostly, it will just be well-meaning strangers and relatives and friends giving you tid bits about them and their aunty's mumm'y neighbor's uncle's wife's pregnancy which WAS THE SAME, OH MY GOD!

Even the molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen in your glass of water will have advice for you, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT AND ARE LOOKING FOR ADVICE!

B - BUMP, BABY, BUM AND BREASTS

Bump - everyone will want to touch it. Ditto, the baby. The other two, not so much. Sorry, breasts, yes. Once you deliver, EVERYONE IN YOUR DELIVERY TEAM will touch them to feel for milk.

The bum? well, It gets REALLY BIG and that's why it gets honorary mention here. And, it takes forever to knock the fat off it. REFER TO U - UNDERWEAR

ALSO, BAMBOOZLED

That's because the A-ADVICE you get is so useless, you feel like you've been bamboozled! Nobody tells you the real thing. Everyone gives anecdotal evidence, but nobody offers any intelligent advice on how to tackle a problem.

Ohhhh! You are going to miss sleep!

Okay, if so, then why don't you tell me ways on how I can GET SOME SLEEP?!

C - CHILD BIRTH

The D-day you've been waiting for is here. And you are shitting bricks. And then you pop out a football from your "down there". Yes, okay, need I say more?

ALSO, CAESAREAN. Considered to be an "easy" option for child birth. Except that, it isn't. The pain lasts for months. And, there's always a weird-shaped lower tummy that hangs over.

D - DADDY

The love of your life now has a new love and you are okay about it. Mush! It's sheer bliss to see daddies holding their babies and smelling their hair and that lush baby smell.

E - EASY

Everyone tells you it's easy. It isn't, okay? It's somewhere in between. Just accept it and move on.

ALSO, ENERGY, OR THE LACK OF IT

Pregnancy can be hard on some women. There's no "glow". There's only a "blow", as in body blow, because everything aches!

F - FAT

This one is for me, not for the fellow mommies who've gone back to shape.

We gave birth. TO A PERSON. It's okay to be fat for a while, at least till you are feeding that person.

ALSO, THE F***, You will say this A LOT! In the initial days, when you are getting over the shock of everything that no one told you about (READ A - ADVICE).

Once your baby turns into a toddler, you will find yourself replacing the F*** with FLUSH, FISH, FREAK, FAN. Anything that starts with 'F', because it's only when the 'F' leaves your tongue, do you realise that you would rather not complete the sentence.

G - GOOF UPS

There will be many. Inside out pants. Backside-front diapers. Inside out Tee shirts, yours, not the baby's. Because the baby was crying and you didn't want to rush out naked to ask Daddy for help.

H - HIPPOPOTAMUS

This is also for me. I feel like one. I will eventually get over it, ONE DAY.

ALSO, HORROR MOVIE

Because, life suddenly feels like one. Parenting is hard work and you don't get any bonus or "good job" cards. You constantly feel lost and scared and are forever questioning yourself.

I - AS IN I, ME, MYSELF

You tend to forget yourself once the baby arrives. And, that's okay. You WILL HAVE TIME once he's 20 years old.

J - JUST LIKE THAT

And, just like that, he will start sleeping through, Or take to potty training. Or start walking/talking/crawling. Parenting is full of beautiful surprises.

K - KICKS

During pregnancy, from the inside. Once they are out, THEY CONTINUE TO KICK YOU! While changing diapers during their infancy stage, just because they life how their legs move when they kick!

And, as a toddler, they will kick just because they like the way you screamed like a wimp when you were kicked.

L - LOVE

The moment you lay your eyes on your baby, that's pure, eternal love. No amount of pee, poo and vomit will ever make you think, "let's go on a break". No. THIS IS IT. Time for the husband to take a back seat!

M - MILK

You will find yourself talking about this till your baby is 6 months old. It will feature in every random conversation you will have.

ALSO, MOM, MOTHER

Because, you will suddenly have so much respect for her. You will feel ashamed and embarrassed for things you may have said to her in your teenage years.

MOM, I AM SO SORRY AND SO THANKFUL. This will play in your head, over and over again.

N - NEVER SAY NEVER

To anything. Because, life comes full circle. You will find yourself sitting in the middle of the day with a pot as your hat, even though all this buffoonery was below your standard.

Kids make destiny bite you in the bum, okay? SO, SMILE AND PRETEND TO FEED THAT POWDER BOTTLE!

ALSO, NO

You will find yourself saying this TWENTY THOUSAND TIMES  A DAY!

NOOOOO! DON'T LICK THE CARPET! NOOOOO! DON'T EAT THAT SHOE! NOOOOO! DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR OWN POOP!

O - OH MY GOD

REFER TO F***, as OMG will also be a sound replacement for WTF?!

You will OMG a lot! OMG, THERE'S VOMIT ON MY SHIRT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT ON EARTH STINKS SO MUCH!

P - PEE PEES

This one is for fellow mommies to little boys. They start touching theirs WAY TOO EARLY! I was hoping the touching wouldn't kick in till teenage years. Sigh. What was I thinking?!

Q - QUESTIONS

Talking toddlers have a way of asking the most inane questions. What do dogs eat? Why is aunty thin and you are fat? Where do babies come from?

'NUFF SAID!

R - REASONS

You will constantly find yourself defending your parenting choices. So, there will be reasons for everything that you do, that others may deem "wrong", because they "NEVER DID IT THIS WAY IN THEIR TIME".

S - SEX, OR THE LACK OF IT

I am NOT commenting on this any further!

T - TODDLER TANTRUMS

Aahh, I end up finding myself in the midst of one every five minutes! They sure are fun!

One of these days, I am definitely pulling my own hair!

U - UNDERWEAR

Big, ugly, scary ones. The ones your great great granny wore for her first night. Because, your B - BUM will achieve gargantuan proportions.

V - VALUE

Everything in life takes a new meaning. Having a baby teaches you so many things, the most of all being, value for yourself, your partner, your marriage, your parents. It makes you a better person.

W - WOW

REFER, OH MY GOD. You will say this a lot. Wow, he's used up all his pants today! Wow, he ate my lunch and threw his behind the sofa!

X - XYLOPHONE

Because NO OTHER WORD THAT MAKES SENSE STARTS WITH X!

You can replace this with X-ray, if you want!

Y - YES

REFER NEVER SAY NEVER. Pants that have projectile vomit on them? SURE, YES, I will clean them.

Try to put him to sleep for the FIFTH TIME in the last 2 hours?! yes, I will do it.

Z - ZOMBIE

NEED I SAY MORE?!?!